Fṛm Đ Gardịn: At ease, Martin Lewis – a queue of Tory MPs is here to solve the cost of living crisis

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‘Jorj Ysṭs rīsntli let śoprz in on ɖ litl sīcrit v sūṗmarcit valyrenjz.’ Foṭgraf: Brecfst │ Scî Nyz

At īz, Martin Luis – a k v Tori MPz z hir t solv ɖ cost-v-livñ crîsis

(Transcription of an article published in the Guardian on Tuesday 17 May 2020)

Hd y ʈt v biyñ peid mor, sjsts wn ministr. Hu derz clem ɖ guvnmnt hz no brît îdīaz‽

Marina Hyde

Mrīna Haid, Tyzde 17 Me 2022

Gvn ɖ implôī caliba n atriśnret v ɖs guvnmnt, it’s olwz a hart-in-mǎʈ momnt ẃn ɖe unlīś a prīvịsli unhŕd-ov ministr on ɖ erwevz. Mć lîc ɖ bit in ɖ Simpsnz ẃr Mr Brnz rlisz ɖ wñd munciz fṛm hiz windo wɖ a hopfl “Flî, mî pritiz – flî!”. Ẃn ʈudz n bludcrdlñ śrīcz folo, h trnz t hiz rtenr, Smiɖrz, wɖ ɖ crt instrux́n: “Cntiny ɖ rsrć.”

Phps Nu 10’z cómzjīńsz flt ɖs we ẃn ɖe debyd ɖ hiɖrtu dzrvidli obskr sefgardñministr, Rećl Mclīn, on t Munde’z brecfstśoz t dscus ɖ cost-v-livñ crîsis. Hu nz ẃ ɖ randm nitwit-jeṇretr mśīn hd md it Rećl’z trn? Mbi Heḷn Wêtli wz rfyzñ t cm ǎt v hr trelr. In mni wez I rfyz t b’liv Rećl īvn z ɖ sefgardñministr – a hyj part v m asymz ś z jst a caṛctr hesṭli asmbld fṛm dscardd awede îdīaz n ɖen gvn a pritnd jobtîtl ɖt it wd fīl rūd t argy wɖ. “Jst se ś’z ɖ ‘sefgardñministr’. Sǎndz lîc a ʈñ.” Az fr Rećl’z ʈts on hǎ incrisñli añśs sitiznz cn rspond t multipl fînanśl preśrz, let’s si ɖm flî. “W nīd t hv a plan t gro ɖ icoṇmi,” ś haẓdd (no śit), “n t mc śr ɖt ppl r ebl t pṛtct ɖmslvz betr, ẃɖr ɖt z bî tecñ on mor aurz or muvñ t a betr peid job.”

Cntiny ɖ rsrć.

In ɖ mntm, f y’r cīpñ a tali v guvnmnt sjsćnz fr hǎ t dīl wɖ akt riyl-wrld fînanśl dstres, plīz ad “Hd y ʈt v biyñ peid mor?” t ɖ pîl. Sd pîl olso fīćrz similr advîs fṛm T’rez Cófi t wrc mor aurz, ẃl Jorj Ysṭs rīsntli let śoprz in on ɖ litl sīcrit v sūṗmarcit valyrenjz. “Jenṛli spīcñ,” h jenṛlîzd unspīcbli, “ẃt ppl fînd z bî gwñ fr sm v ɖ valybrandz rɖr ɖn ǒn-brandd products, ɖe cn acć̣li cnten n manij ɖer hǎsholdbujit.” Amezñ, z’nt it, ɖt Jorj stl hz ol ɖs gd stuf in ɖ tanc, ẃn muni-sevñ xprt Martin Luis rīsntli admitd, “I am ǎt v tūlz t hlp ppl nǎ … I’v bn ʈru ɖ fînanśl craś, I’v bn ʈru Covid. Ɖs z ɖ wrst, ẃr w r rît nǎ … Ɖt z simpli nt teṇbl in ǎr ssayti. Ɖr z abṣlutli panic n it hz nt startd yt.” Hz Martin ʈt v pôntñ ǎt wez ppl cd rtren in invstmntbancñ?

In ɖ mntm, wɖ ɖ Banc v Ñgḷnd guvnr apirñ bfr ɖ Treẓ́ri s’lect cmiti on Munde t fōrcast “apoc̣liptic” fūdprîsz, d y gt ɖ sns ɖt ɖ guvnmnt hz enʈñ in ɖ sem poscod az a plan t mc ʈñz īvn mîldli betr? Hand on hart, no. Qt ɖ oṗzit. In fact, it hz tū planz t mc ɖm wrs. Ɖ frst z a poṣbl tredwor wɖ ɖ YY, ẃć smelt-it-dlt-it trīticritic Devid Frost sīmz t b sjstñ z wn v ɖ gd cndz v worz. N ɖ secnd z Boris Jonsn’z trîumfnt anǎnsmnt, via ɖ pejz v ɖ Dêli Meil az opozd t ɖer lînmanijrz, ɖt h z gwñ t le of 91,000 sivl srvnts.

Let’s parc ɖ fact ɖt ɖ prîm̦inistr śrli arîvd at ɖs numbr bî ɖ enćnt clu-fri tecnīc fr mcñ cuts – ʈncñ v ɖ totl numbr, ɖen dvîdñ it bî fîv. Instd, w’l foc̣s on ɖ mn ivnt, ẃć z sjstñ ɖt ɖ bst îdīa fr hǎ t entr a rseśn z t mc cuts t fruntlîn srvispṛviźn. Ẃtvr it sz on ɖ bac v Jonsn’z napcin, ɖr simpli z’nt anɖr we t mc 91,000 cuts. V cors, Nu 10 dz’nt tel y abt ɖ fruntlîn srvispṛviźn, prifŕñ instd t inṭmet ɖt ɖs wl mirli b a just-deẓts rspons t sivl srvnts wrcñ fṛm hom. Ɖs z ɖ ćīf bugber v ɖt incoriɉbl dsc snifr Jecb Rīs-Mog, a man huz ǒn wrc dsc dz nt īvn fīćr a cmpytr, bt hu hz rīsntli bn sliɖ̇rñ rnd Ẃîthōl lîc ɖ Ćîld Caćr fṛm Ćiti-Ćiti Bañ-Bañ n līvñ sub-Yodl “sori I míst y” nots fr sivl srvnts. I’m tld ɖt Rūṗt Mrdoc z obsest wɖ ppl rtrnñ t ɖ ofis ẃrvr ɖe me wrc, so phps ɖt pts led in ɖ Rīs-Mog pnsl.

Īvn so, fr a guvnmnt ɖt hz aćivd abṣlutli nʈñ in ofis bar a Brexit dīl it z cuṛntli ʈreṭnñ t torć, it dz fīl jenyinli xtrordnri t woć ɖ Jonsn admiṇstreśn wrc so cmitidli agnst ɖs organic form v leṿlñ-up. Az hz bcm incrisñli clir evr sins ɖ frêz wz frst fartd ǎt, ɖe hv’nt ɖ frst clu hǎ t “levl p” enʈñ. Yt in wn swift n elignt we, rmot wrcñ z ɖ marcit acć̣li bginñ t dlivr ɖer poḷsi fr ɖm – bî alawñ ppl t drw mtroṗlișaḷriz bt fizicli lcet ɖmslvz in les aflụnt rījnz fr at līst sm v ɖ wrcñwīc. Ẃt’s nt t imbres?

Ovr t Boris Jonsn, a man hu feṃsli wrcs fṛm hom. Indd, hiz ofiślz hv spent mć v ɖ yir xplenñ ɖt z ẃ srtn rūlz d’nt aplî t Dǎnñ Strīt. “Mî xpirịns v wrcñ fṛm hom,” Jonsn xplend at ɖ wīcend, “z y spend an ōfl lot v tîm mcñ anɖr cup v cofi n ɖen, y nǒ, gtñ p, wōcñ vri slǒli t ɖ frij, hacñ of a smōl pìs v ćīz, ɖen wōcñ vri slǒli bac t yr laptop n ɖen fgetñ ẃt it wz y’r dwñ.” Ǒ, y fgot ẃt y wr dwñ? Let s hlp y ǎt. Y WR S’POZD T B BIYÑ Ɖ EFÑ PRÎM̦INISTR. Ā wel, phps anɖr tîm. Sori t hv míst y.

Instroduction to Ñspel

18/05/2022

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