Fṛm Đ Gardịn: Is there anything more shaming than shelves full of books you will never read?

Speaking volumes … scenes like this should not be allowed unless you’ve read all those books. Photograph: Viktoriia Hnatiuk/Getty Images/iStockphoto
Spīcñ volymz … sīnz lîc ɖs śd nt b alaud unls y’v réd ol ɖoz bcs. Foṭgraf: Victoria Hnaćŭc/Geti Iṃjz/Stocfoto

Z ɖr enʈñ mor śemñ ɖn ślvz fl v bcs y wl nvr rīd?

(Transcription of an article published in the Guardian on 10 September 2020)

I am infyrietd bî ppl huz lîbrriz r onli fr śo. Bt it’s tîm t tacl mî ǒn baclog

Edrịn Ćîlz, 10 Sptmbr 2020

It z nîs t hv a wōl fl v bcs. Biyñ sigṇlrz v gret inṭlecćl vrću, bc-ślvz r injoyñ ɖer momnt in ɖ sún, ćôsli lit in ɖ bacgrǎnd v a ʈǎznd Zūm inṭvyz on TV. Ɖ sît v mî ślvz gvz m liṃtd pleźr, az I am rproćt bî ɖ spînz v so mni bcs I hv nvr acć̣li, y nǒ, réd. It’s ćītñ, ɖt’s ẃt it z. Y śd onli b alaud t dsple bcs y hv finiśt, or at līst got mor ɖn hafwe ʈru. Woćñ sm opînñ clevr dic on a nyzćanl, wɖ hundṛdz upn hundṛdz v weiti tǒmz dspleid bhnd ɖm, I fînd it imposbl t consntret on enʈñ ɖs inṭlecćl frōd z seyñ. “Y c’nt hv réd ɖm ol!” I yel, ʈrowñ wn v mî ǒn unréd Grantaz at ɖ scrīn. “Y hv’nt bn alîv loñ inuf t hv réd ɖm ol.”

Ovr ɖ wīcend, I met a nîs gai at hūm I cd’nt ʈro eni peprbacs fr ɖs crîm bcz h hz dn a dīl wɖ himslf t gt ʈru ol hiz unréd bcs bfr h baiz eni mor. Jon Budn, smtm ftbōlr wns on ɖ, ‘r, bcs v Cristl Palis amñ uɖrz, wnt on t b a hedtīćr n ɖen ćīf xktiv v a grūp v acaḍmiscūlz. H z prezntli on a bit v a c’rirbrec, ẃć z jst az wel bcz h hz got 125 bcs t rīd.

“It startd wɖ a hǎsmuv ẃn I wz sortñ ɖm ǎt n riylîzd hǎ mni I’d nvr réd,” h tld m. “Olso, wn v mî bst palz daid at 50. H wz ɖ frst v mî frendz t dî v naćṛl cōzz rɖr ɖn an axidnt or enʈñ, n it riyli md m ʈnc. I lct at ɖoz 125 bcs n ʈt: ‘I’d b luci t rīd ɖm ol bfr I dî’.” N so h hz cmitd himslf t dwñ jst ɖt.

Jon z faṣnetd bî ɖ fact ɖt ol ɖ bcs hv îɖr bn bòt bî him or gvn t him bî smwn hu nz him wel, n yt h hz nvr réd ɖm. “It rezz a riyli inṭrestñ fiḷsoficl qsćn abt ẃ w ćūz ɖ art w ćūz at ɖt tîm. N I stl d’nt riyli nǒ ẃt ɖ ansr z.”

H recnz h z nǎ arnd hafwe ʈru hiz rīdñlist n sz ɖ jôz hv bn mni, includñ fîṇli rīdñ a copi v Olivr Twist h bòt on a scūltrip t Roćestr 35 yirz ago. Ɖ glu hd gn fṛm ɖ spîn n ɖ pejz wr fōlñ ǎt. H hz at last got t ɖ end v it n riylîzd ɖt ɖ bc z nt vri mć lîc ɖ ḿzicl at ol; it wz, h sz, “lîc a big rvil”. H olso adord tū Filip Roʈs: I Marid a Coḿnist n Patriṃni.

Bt ɖs maṃʈ tasc hz nt bn wɖt hardśp. H z wn v ɖoz ppl hu c’nt nt finiś a bc wns h hz startd it. Patric Ẃît, ɖ Ostrełn Nobél prîz winr, wz rec̣mndd t him bî hiz Ñgliś tīćr ẃn h wz 17. Ʈrti-tū yirz on, h fîṇli got arnd t grîndñ hiz we ʈru Rîdrz in ɖ Ćarịt. I s’lūt hiz dilijns.

Nî on flinćñ wɖ śem, I sqint at sm v ɖ pristīn peprbacs on mî ślvz. I hv pict ʈri t b gtñ on wɖ: Americn Pastṛl bî Filip Roʈ, Ɖ Jinjr Man bî JP Dunlīvi, n Wst Bromij Albịn: Ɖ Cmplit Record bî Toni Maʈyz. Bt bfr I cn start, Jon txts m, cnfesñ h cd’nt finiś Ɖ Conṣveśnist bî Nedīn Gordimr. So, I am gwñ t rīd ɖt wn, jst t rn mslf a smōl pać v litrri hî grǎnd nxt t him.

———

 

Adrian Chiles

Edrịn Ćîlz z a Gardịn coḷmnist

Instroduction to Ñspel

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