Fṛm Đ Gardịn: The new statesmanlike Boris quickly gives way to the old self-centred one at PMQs

‘It’s not for me to comment on individual cases,’ said the Suspect. Er… hello? Why the hell not? Photograph: UK Parliament/Jessica Taylor/AP
‘It’s nt fr m t coment on indivijl cesz,’ sd ɖ Suspect. ’r… hlo? Ẃ ɖ hel nt? Foṭgraf: YC Parḷmnt/Jesica Teilr/AP

Ɖ ny stetsmnlîc Boris qcli gvz we t ɖ old slf-sntrd wn at PMQz

(Transcription of an article published in the Guardian on 2 Marć 2022)

Ɖ Suspect dojd dificlt qsćnz abt oligarcs, ɖen lost hiz tmpr. Nt ol Ruśn muni wz drti muni, h śǎtd

John Crace

Jon Crês, Wnzde 2 Marć 2022

Ɖ  prîm̦inistr’z parḷmntri prîṿt secṛtriz wr ol dect ǎt in blu n yelo. Az wr T’rīza Me n sevṛl SNP MPz. Ɖe cd ol hv cm stret fṛm a Rayner cnvnśn. Elsẃr in ɖ ćembr, MPz setld fr rɖr mor sobr blu n yelo ribnz. Bt ɖ sntimnt wz xacli ɖ sem.

Ɖs wz a Hǎs v Comnz ynîtd in its s’port fr Ycren. Ẃn ɖ Spīcr anǎnst ɖt ɖ Ycreńn ambasdr, Vadim Pristîco, wz in ɖ gaḷri, ɖ hǎs rouz az wn t gv him a pṛloñd n hart-flt standñ oveśn. It wz az muvñ az it wz unpresdntd. Ɖo NHS wrcrz mt pônt ǎt ɖt clapñ smtmz cmz ćīp fṛm poḷtiśnz.

Fr ɖ last wīc or so, Boris Jonsn hz gvn tuf spīćz n gn on trips t ɖ Yṛpiyn mênland t xpres soḷdaṛti. Ol v ẃć hz pleid wel wɖ a hom ōdịns. Ɖ Ruśn inveźn hz nt bn a conflict on ẃć it hz bn dificlt t pic sîdz. Betr stl, ol v hiz dmestic probḷmz sīm t hv mltd awe. Fr ɖ tîm biyñ at līst. Ẃl ppl r dayñ in a cruwl wor, it sīmz olmst tù trivịl t mnśn ɖt ɖ prîm̦inistr cd’nt b boɖrd t folo hiz ǒn Covid rūlz.

Bt at prîm̦inistr’z qsćnz ɖ masc bgan t crac. Ɖ Suspect wz no longr biyñ asct t jst Tōc ɖ Tōc. H wz olso biyñ asct t Wōc ɖ Wōc. N h jst cd’nt d it. Ɖs z’nt a līdr lîcli t folo ɖ Tîwan prezidnt’s xampl v gvñ wn munʈ v hiz saḷri t Ycreńn hymaṇterịn cōzz. Wel, nt unls h cd gt Lord Brǎnlo t cof p agn on hiz bhaf. Dir, dir Devid. Wn mor tîm, old ćap.

Bac cem ɖ blustr n ɖ śiftinis. Ɖ tugñ on hiz Todlrz R S hercut. Ɖ ćîldiś ǎtbrsts v narssistic rej ɖt h c’nt cntrol ẃn ćalinjd. Enʈñ ɖt z nt on hiz trmz canot b toḷretd. Cm ɖ end v PMQz ɖ ny, nt intîrli cnvinsñ, stetsmnlîc Boris wz bginñ t lc vri mć lîc ɖ old slf-sntrd Boris.

Cir Starmr bgan bî riiṭretñ ɖt Lebr wr ynîtd wɖ ɖ guvnmnt agnst Ruśn agreśn. Jst so ɖr wz no rūm fr cnfyźn. H dd’nt wont Jonsn t gt ɖ roñ end v ɖ stic. Ẃt h riyli wontd t nǒ wz ẃ ɖ YC wz lagñ so far bhnd ɖ YS n ɖ YY in impozñ sañśnz on Ruśn oligarcs. Hǎ abt Roman Abramović? H wz on a Hom Ofis list az a prsn v inṭrest n z nǎ in ɖ proses v trayñ t sel Ćlsi. Ẃ nt g aftr him bfr h tc ɖ muni n ran?

“It’s nt fr m t coment on indivijl cesz,” sd ɖ Suspect. ’r … hlo? Ẃ ɖ hel nt? Śrli it’s prisîsli ẃt a prîm̦inistr z ɖr fr, t tōc truʈ t muni. F h c’nt, ɖen hu cn? Ɖr agn, Jonsn z on record ɖt h fîndz it ‘inixplicbl’ ɖt oligarcs r’nt dwñ mor – enʈñ – t cndem ɖ wor. Ɖ rest v s mirli fînd ɖer sîḷns t b intîrli on brand.

Ɖ Lebr līdr muvd on. Ẃt abt ɖ tū Wsminstr flats v Igor Śūvolov, Vladīmir Pūćin’z formr depyti prîm̦inistr? W hd onli got t fînd ǎt h ǒnd ɖ proṗti ʈru a pôznd Ruśn disidnt. Ẃć bròt him on t hiz nxt qsćn. Ẃ wz ɖ guvnmnt cicñ its hìlz ovr ɖ ic̣nomic-crîmz bil? It sīmd t b gwñ ǎt v its we t mc it īzịr fr drti muni t b tecn ǎt v ɖ cuntri bî gvñ evri clepṭcrat an 18-munʈ hedstart.

Jonsn hd no ansr uɖr ɖn t tōc abt cutñ of ɖ Swift pemntșistm n banñ Eroflot. Ẃć wz bsd ɖ pônt az nwn hd eni probḷm wɖ him hvñ dn ɖt. “W’r līdñ Yṛp,” h mumbld. Xpt w’r nt. At a tîm ẃn w’r lcñ fr hiroz – n hu betr fits ɖ bil ɖn Volodimir Zelensci? – ɖ YC guvnmnt lcs az f it z runñ scerd.

F ɖ Suspect wontd t pruv mni ppl’z sspiśnz ɖt ɖ Tori parti z in hóc t Ruśn muni, h cd’nt hv md a betr job v it. At ɖ vri līst h md it lc az f h wz’nt ɖt boɖrd abt Lundn’z steṭs az ɖ wrld’z lōndṛmat. Or abt ɖ xtnt v Ruśn inflụns in Britiś poḷtics.

Ɖs wz a pônt Lebr’z Bil Esṭsn md ẃn h invîtd Jonsn t dnet ɖ £2m ɖ Tōriz hv rsivd fṛm Lubov Ćernūcin, ɖ wîf v Ruśa’z formr depyti ministr v fînans, t ɖ Ycreńn wor eḟt. Jst t clir ɖ er n t śo ɖt ɖ Cnsrṿtivz hd nʈñ t hîd. Nǎ Boris lost hiz tmpr. Nt ol Ruśn muni wz drti muni, h śǎtd. Qt rît. Ɖo mbi Ćernūcin’z lincs t ɖ Ruśn stet mt hv rezd sm îbrǎz. Ɖen mbi ɖ Suspect b’livz ɖt evri oligarc md ɖer muni ʈru hard wrc or pleyñ ɖ loṭri.

Wɖ ol Tōriz, apart fṛm Bob Sīli, stirñ clir v dificlt qsćnz abt oligarcs n sañśnz, ɖ seśn driftd t a cloz wɖ Jon Pénroz wunḍrñ ẃt hd hapnd t Brexit. Rmembr ɖt? Jonsn wevd hiz armz n sd w’d b siyñ sm beṇfits jst az sn az Jecb Rīz-Mog hd got rnd t îdnṭfayñ eni. Jst d’nt hold yr breʈ. Mnẃl in ɖ gaḷri, Pristîco wz añśsli ćecñ hiz fon. Woćñ Britiś poḷtiśnz tred wrdz hd a liṃtd apil ẃn hiz cuntriṃn wr fîtñ fr Ycren strīt bî strīt.

Instroduction to Ñspel

03/03/2022

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