Ɖ Convict blustrz bt ɖ onli cōz in ẃć h trūli b’livz z hiz ǒn svîvl
(Transcription of an article published in the Guardian on 3 May 2022)
Boris Jonsn’z cmpaśn-fri GMB inṭvy wnt fṛm carcraś t pîl-up az h mansplend awe hiz dsoṇsti
Jon Crês, Tyzde, 3 Me 2022
Fr a ẃl it lct az f Boris Jonsn mt hv bn hîdñ in a frij fr a secnd tîm. Gd Mornñ Britn’z inṭvy wɖ ɖ prîm̦inistr hd bn scejld t start at 8.15 n bî 8.25 ɖr wz stl no sîn v him. Bac in ɖ ITV stydio, Rićd Mêdli wz hvñ t fil tîm wɖ a Zūm inṭvy wɖ Patric Cīlti. Ɖ Îriś cmīdịn n prizntr yzd ɖ ded er t rmînd evriwn ɖt Jonsn wz a layr so ɖ tîm wz’nt intîrli westd.
It srtnli tìd ʈñz p nîsli fr Sūzana Rìd ẃn a crumpld n pesti-fest Jonsn ivnć̣li jônd hr in hiz Dǎnñ Strīt studi jst bfr 8.30. Aftr rmîndñ him ɖt it hd bn 1,791 dez sins h hd last apird on GMB, Rìd cut t ɖ ćes. “R y onist, prîm̦inistr?” ś asct. “Yes,” rplaid ɖ Convict. Ɖ inṭvy hd run fr les ɖn 20 secndz, n Jonsn hd olrdi tld hiz frst lai.
Rìd gev him a secnd ćans t rīʈnc hiz ansr. Nɖr ś nr Boris sīmd t ʈnc it at ol unyźl ɖt ɖ frst ʈñ ś wd wont t asc a prîm̦inistr aftr fîv yirz wz ẃɖr h wz a layr. Bʈ ń ɖ prizumśn wz ɖt h wz. Ɖt’s hǎ lo w’v sunc. A cuntri rdyst t ɖ levl v a śalo narssist. Ɖ Convict blustrd, trayñ t hej hiz bets. It wz’nt ɖt h wz layñ, mor ɖt h wz a contṛvrṣ́list. In hiz drīmz. H’z jst a tîrd joc ɖt’s no longr funi. A wośt p end v ɖ pír act.
Īvn so, Jonsn cd’nt hlp digñ. A man olwz despṛt t g lowr stl. “I d mî bst t repriznt feʈḟli n akṛtli ẃt I b’liv,” h sd. Ɖs wz telñ. Bʈ fr ɖ admiśn ɖt ɖ truʈ dz nt cm īẓli t him, ɖt at tîmz ɖr z an unbriɉbl gap btwn fanṭsi n riaḷti in hiz conśsnis, n ɖ implisit acnolijmnt ɖt ɖ onli cōz in ẃć h trūli b’livz z hiz ǒn svîvl. N ɖt fr him ɖr z a worpt nbiḷti in biyñ dsonist in psyt v ɖt end. Īvn nǎ h c’nt brñ himslf t admit ɖt h dlibṛtli msléd parḷmnt ovr Partiget. Dspt hvñ atndd mni v ɖ partiz himslf. Ɖt’s nt jst layñ. It’s a pʈoḷji.
Aftr a brīf dip intu Ycren – Jonsn wz aḍmnt ɖ Ruśnz wr grūmñ ćildṛn az slīpr ejnts, ẃć wz ẃ ɖ YC wz insistñ on vīzaz fr ol refyjīz – Rìd muvd on t ɖ cost v livñ. Ɖ Convict wz aḍmnt ɖ guvnmnt wz dwñ evriʈñ it cd, apart fṛm ɖ eriaz in ẃć it cd b dwñ mor. H dd’nt īvn apir t notis h hd jst contṛdictd himslf. So mć fr hiz feṃs Oxḟd Yńn dbetñscilz. Rɖr, h wz mostli intnt on tōcñ ovr Rìd n trayñ t wînd dǎn ɖ cloc on ɖ inṭvy. Īvn h cd si ɖ inṭvy wz trnñ intu a carcraś, n hiz legz wîdnd frɖr apart ɖ mor h traid t mansplen hiz we ǎt v it.
Rìd wz nt so īẓli dflectd n wundrd hǎ Elsi wz s’pozd t gt bî. Elsi wz a 77-yir-old pnśnr hu cd nǎ aford t īt onli wn mīl a de n hd tecn t yzñ hr buspas t rîd ɖ busz ol de jrñ of-pīc aurz t cīp worm. A hint v recgniśn fṛm Ɖ Convict. “I bròt in ɖ Frīdmpas az Lundn mẹr,” h ćipt in. H hd’nt v cors, bt ɖ lai wz ɖ līst v it.
Ɖ riyl gv’we wz ẃt ɖs sd abt Jonsn. Ɖr wz no cmpaśn fr Elsi n ppl lîc hr hu wr struġlñ, nt jst t gt bî bt t ste alîv. No sns v dyti t or rsponsbiḷti fr ɖ cuntri h pṛfest t srv. Jst an īgrnis t tec ɖ credit fr mcñ it poṣbl fr pnśnrz t spend ɖer dez cīpñ worm at ɖ buscumṗni’s xpns. Az f ɖs wz smhǎ a briłnt guvnmnt iniṣ́tiv fr ẃć ɖ lîcs v Elsi òt t b gretfl. Nxt p ɖ Convict wl b clemñ ɖ nîțyb wz dzînd az acoṃdeśn fr ɖoz hu c’nt aford hītñ. Ɖ concrīt z gd fr ǎr bacs. Luci, luci s.
Bî nǎ Jonsn wz viẓbli struġlñ. Eni ʈts v a trîumfnt, soft priilex́ns inṭvy hd loñ sins craśt n brnd az h ramt p hiz dvrśnri tactics. Bt Rìd steid foc̣st. Hǎ mć hd ɖ cerrz’ alawns gn p bî? Boris hd’nt a clu. N dd’nt riyli cer. H jst wontd hiz ordīl t end. Bt hiz īgrnis t gt awe onli trnd ɖ carcraś intu a multipl pîl-up.
Eṇjicumṗniz cd’nt poṣbli b xpctd t pe a windfōl tax az BP wz struġlñ t gt bî on £6bn profits fṛm ɖ last qortr. Ppl lîc Elsi śd’nt b so grīdi. It wz tîm fr hr t stop wunḍrñ ẃt ɖ guvnmnt cd d fr hr n t start biyñ a bit mor altruistic. Bî ītñ wns evri uɖr de, fr xampl. N f ś cd lrn t ʈnc v taxrîzz az taxcuts ɖen ś’d hv mor muni t spend n wd’nt nīd t west ẃt wz left v hr lîf gwñ bcwdz n fwdz on ɖ Sǎʈ Srklr. Most v ol, Elsi śd unḍstand ɖt 10% infleśn wz hr fōlt so ś śd b ɖ wn hu sufrd.
Fr ɖ last fy minits – ẃn ś cd gt a wrd in éjwez – Rìd rvrtd t ɖ Convict’s oṇsti. Hǎ cm w hd a prîm̦inistr hu wz ɖ sntr v a wn-man crîmwev? N ẃ dd evriwn els hu wz gilti v brecñ ɖ lw hv t rzîn ẃn h steid pt? Jonsn mumbld smʈñ abt biyñ prǎd v ẃt h hd aćivd – imajin ɖ cogṇtiv diṣnns – bfr Rìd cōld tîm. “Lren’z wêtñ,” ś sd.
“Lren hu?” asct Jonsn. Fr wns, ɖs wz’nt an act. H jenyinli hd no îdīa hu Lren Celi wz. It wz olmst az f h sspctd ɖt ITV mt hv rusld p yt anɖr luvr wɖ a ptrṇtisūt. Ɖ Convict’s dez az ɖ slf-stîld man v ɖ ppl r loñ gn. N it wl b wel mor ɖn fîv yirz bfr h agriz t anɖr GMB inṭvy. Ẃr wz a frij ẃn y nīdd wn?
