(My translation of Karel Poláček’s short story Nejdříve mluvili o vzdělanosti a pak jí hodil lampu na hlavu, which was published in Večerní České slovo on 26 June 1929 and, in book form, in Soudničky [Little Stories from the Courts] in 1999)
“My, oh my!” cooed Mrs Klinkáčová, gazing tenderly at her husband. “Those were the days! Yes, indeed. When my hubby was courting me,” – here she gestured towards her husband, who had a corn on his toe and was soaking his foot in a basin of hot water – “we had a fine old time. We went on excursions, we ate bread and butter and drank coffee, and in the evenings we hit the town, didn’t we, sweetheart?”
“Uh,” muttered the man with the corn.
“And sometimes… Sometimes, if it was raining, we’d go to a pub where they played lovely music, didn’t we, sweetheart?”
The man with the corn made a sound like distant thunder.
Mrs Klinkáčová continued as if in a trance: “Ah, young love… What fond memories! It’s no fun for youngsters nowadays, all those modern goings-on. It was different for us. My hubby didn’t have the courage even to ask me for a kiss! As I say, the youngsters of today won’t have any nice memories, and it’s so nice to have nice memories, isn’t it, sweetheart?”
The man with the corn glanced at his wife and made a sound rather like a groan. His wife understood it to be agreement.
“And we took trouble to educate ourselves at the same time. The money we spent on theatre tickets! Once – I can remember it as if it was yesterday – we saw such a wonderful show. The young ladies were all holding hands and dancing on the stage, and the men were clapping along to the music. What was it called, now? Garmen, I think, wasn’t it, sweetheart?”
“No, it wasn’t,” growled the man with the corn. “It was A Waltz Dream. And it’s not Garmen, it’s Carmen.”
“Well, Garmen, Carmen, whatever, it’s all the same to me. I’m just a silly woman…”
“If I say it’s Carmen,” bellowed the man with the corn, banging his fist on the table, “it’s Carmen!”
Seeing that things were heading towards a domestic misunderstanding, their visitor stood up.
“I better be going,” she said. “It seems there’s going to be a domestic misunderstanding…”
The lady who didn’t care whether it was Garmen or Carmen, bristled:
“I beg your pardon! Misunderstanding?! I’ll have you know we never ever argue. We’re like a pair of turtle doves. Loving and faithful. Off you go, you old trout!”
“Excuse me!” said the departing visitor, “I didn’t know you have a mouth like a fishwife’s.”
“What?!” roared the man with the corn. “No one calls my wife a fishwife.”
At which, he grabbed the lamp from the shelf beside him and hurled it at the departing visitor.
***
Yesterday he appeared in court, accused of defamation and actual bodily harm. He was sentenced to three days, suspended for a year.
♥♣♦♠
