(Transcription of an article published in the Guardian on 10 April 2020)
Doṃnic Rāb òt t b adresñ inadiqt tstñplanz n citśorṭjz fr NHS staf, nt hiz ‘letrz v last rzort’
Mrīna Haid, Frîde, 10 Epril 2020
De 19 v locdǎn, n sm Brítnz hv îdnṭfaid a gretr eṇmi ɖn īvn ɖ Wūhan wetmarcit’s snac̦ǎntr, hom t ɖ most mlînd bat sins Val Cilmr. Ɖt dedli fo z ɖ 5G rolǎt, linct bî sm cnspiṛsists t ɖ c’roṇvîṛs. Atmts t dfit it hv so far sìn at līst 20 5G tǎrz set fîr t arnd ɖ cuntri, hamṗrñ imrjnsi-cḿṇceśn n ɖ ćanlz yzd bî criticl wrcrz rspondñ t ɖ cuṛnt crîsis. Gret job, gaiz! It’s ɖ iqivḷnt v dstroyñ eŗêd sîṛnz jrñ ɖ blits bcz y hŕd ɖe trn y Natsi.
Ɖs wîldli muśrumñ cnspiṛsi sīmz drivn in part bî antivaxrz, hu’v apaṛntli tîrd v indenjrñ lîvz wn we n nīd a ny ʈril, a bit lîc ẃn ɖ Zodiac cilr swićt fṛm fîrarmz t nîvz. Bt onli in part – it olso tecs in far-rît YuTyb wñnuts, gaḷxi-brend s’lebṛtiz, InfoWorz, Devid Îc, Ruśa Tde… ɖ fl ctastṛfi, besicli.
W ol hv nyfǎnd rspct fr sūṗmarcits, ɖo, nt simpli bcz viẓtñ wn z nǎ ɖ gwñ-ǎt iqivḷnt v hitñ a nîtclub. I trūli s’lūt ɖ staf fr adaptñ t ɖ xōstñ dmandz v ǎr ny riaḷti, az wel az rlaxñ ɖer rūlz on letñ in sngl men. Plus it’s a novlti t mīt a brīd v dormn hu z’nt gwñ t end p in a nyz rport cncludñ wɖ ɖ wrdz “ɖ trîl cntinyz”. Ɖt sd, w mst az olwz mc a dstñśn btwn ɖ sūṗmarcitwrcrz n ɖ sūṗmarcitbosz. Tesco tc £585m beilǎt tax-rlif, n promtli peid £635m diṿdendz t its bigist invstrz, sm v ẃć r ɖ rićist insttyśnz on Rʈ.
In uɖr biznisnyz, dspt mor ɖn 300,000 inqîriz, jst 2,500 guvnmnt-bact lounz hv bn grantd . Y mt hv bn s’prîzd t lrn ɖ ćanslr, Riśi Sŭnac, wz s’prîzd t lrn bancs wr’nt lendñ, dspt ɖ fact h’d tld ɖm t. Alas, ɖ ʈñ abt ɖ bancs z ɖt y c’nt banc on ɖm. Ɖ Cnsrvtiv parti’z rleśnśp wɖ ɖ bancs z besicli Dot Cotn’z rleśnśp wɖ hr sun, Nic. Mbi h’z ćenjd ɖs tîm, y nǒ?
Lebrnyz cntinyz t hv ol ɖ rīć v a sīcrit dayri. Nyli ilectd līdr Cir Starmr hz bròt bac Éd Miḷband, ɖ man feṃsli îdnṭfaid az a ceosharbinjr bî Devid Camṛn. Ẃć hz trnd ǎt t b rɖr lîc biyñ îdnṭfaid az slîtli crīpi bî Jimi Savl.
Bt fr betr or wrs, Miḷband’z hîist-profîl ǎtñz in rīsnt yirz hv bn az pixlz in ɖ ntorịs Camṛn twīt. In ɖ madli axeḷretd tîmz in ẃć w liv, Éd olrdi sīmz lîc a relic fṛm a difṛnt jịlojicl ej. F onli ɖr wz sm sort v R’zeta-tîp ston ɖt mt b dscuvrd t hlp s dsîfr ɖ enćnt tîmz fṛm ẃns h hêlz.
At līst s’lebṛtiz r līdñ ɖ lîvz v anniṃti ɖe hv olwz clemd t crev, a pìs v wś-flfilmnt ɖt hz forst ɖm t imrj onli aurli t inved ɖer ǒn priṿsi wɖ Insṭgram vidioz v ɖm felñ winṣmli at besic hǎsholdtascs. F y’v còt eni v ɖz, y’l b injoyñ ẃt amǎnts t an imrjnt “I c’nt b’liv I’m clīnñ!” źãra, ɖo wl lîcli sîd wɖ ɖ wośñmśīn in eni cntnt lebld #miwosnmsinhetsmi.
Ɖ qsćn on mć v ɖ mīdia’z lips ɖs wīc hz bn: hǎ loñ wl ɖ locdǎn last? Y wundr ẃt’s bhnd ɖ guvnmnt’s rfyzl t gv a stret ansr alñ ɖ lînz v “mni wīcs mor”. An avrśn t spôlrz? Mbi it welcmz ɖ dstrax́n. On Ʈrzde, Doṃnic Rāb intond ɖt ɖs crîsis hd “md s ʈnc loñ n hard abt hu ɖ ci wrcrz r in ǎr lîvz”. Nt ɖt hard, az it trnd ǎt. Olso on Ʈrzde, ɖ guvnmnt snīct ǎt its pônts-best iṃgreśnplanñ, ẃć rancs mni v ɖ sem “isnśl wrcrz” smẃr btwn cnvictd foṛn sxcilrz n ppl hu tíc yes t ɖ vīẓinqîri “Hv y evr bn involvd in pripẹrñ an act v terrizm?” Or t pt it ɖ we ɖ ofiśl Hom Ofis gîdns prifŕz: “Ɖr wl nt b an iṃgreśnrùt sṗsificli fr ɖoz hu d nt mīt ɖ scilz or saḷri ʈreśhold fr ɖ scild-wrcr rùt.” Fgiv m f īvn mnṣ́nñ ɖ ppl gtñ s ʈru it consttyts sm cnd v crîsis faux pas. Fr sm, ignorñ ɖ riaḷtiz lo-peid nrsz or dlivriwrcrz fes z ci t ɖ spirit v naśnl tgɖrnis.
Wn v ɖ unritn cnvnśnz v Britiś public lîf z ɖt no matr hǎ il’dvîzd or il-priperd eni militri ax́n w’v cmitd t z, wns it starts, y gt bhnd ɖ trūps. Ɖ guvnmnt cīps telñ s ɖs cuṛnt crîsis z a wor, so in ɖ spirit v spīcñ ɖer prifŕd lanḡj, I ges ɖ trūps r s. Nt ɖm: ɖ’r ɖ jenṛlz. So let m b clir ɖt I’m vri mć gtñ bhnd s, n ʈanc s fr ǎr srvis.
Bt ẃn w’r siyñ 1,000 caźltiz a de – jst az w dd in Iṭli ẃl ǎr jenṛlz wr stl dsîdñ nt t act – n grev probḷmz wɖ tstñ, n NHS staf r crayñ ǎt dêli fr ɖ rît cit, it’s srtnli wrʈ cnsiḍrñ ẃɖr ɖ trūps wr léd intu an ambŭś. Ɖ ppl dayñ rît nǎ r lîcli t hv còt ɖ dziz in ɖ midl v last munʈ (btwn 11 n 21 Marć), ẃn ɖ guvnmnt’s advîzrz rportidli s’mîzd ɖ Britiś ppl wd nvr axpt a locdǎn. It’s – hǎ t pt ɖs blandli inuf nt t ofnd ɖ fri-spīć snǒflecs ǎt ɖr? – OC t wundr f w mt hv xpctd betr.
Instd, ɖo, ɖr’z a sort v meth’sistd Bôz’ Ǒn qoḷti t sm v ɖ mor obsesiv lînz v inqîri. Ɖs wīc, ɖr wz sm foc̣s on ẃɖr Doṃnic Rāb hd ritn ɖ so-cōld “letrz v last rzort”, rplesñ ɖ vrśnz v ɖm Boris Jonsn rout ẃn h tc ofis, ẃć cnten instrux́nz fr hu tecs militri ćarj in ɖ ivnt v ɖ ńclir obliṭreśn v ɖ guvnmnt. It’s an inṭrestñ qsćn, z’nt it? A ʈǎznd ppl r dayñ evri de n sm membrz v ɖ lobi wd vri mć lîc t nǒ f Mr. Rāb hz ritn t a submrīncaptin.
Ɖen agn, gvn ɖ sêizmic c’laps in adreṿnyz, it lcs lîc ol v s jrṇlists r gwñ t nīd t rtren intu difṛnt c’rirz aftr ɖs, so it’s probbli gd t śǒces oltrṇtiv scilsets. On ɖs evidns, a fy wd mc xḷnt submrīncru, bcz ɖe sīm priti rlaxt abt wêtñ t fînd ǎt ẃt ɖ fuc hapnd untl six munʈs aftr ɖ ivnt.
Mbi at sm subconśs levl, ppl ʈt ɖs levl v ftaḷti wz smʈñ ɖt jst cd’nt hapn in ɖ YC, lîc winñ ɖ Yṛviźn soñcontest or bcmñ a p’līștet. It’s funi hǎ qcli y g fṛm ɖ old srṭntiz t mîldli woćñ Ʈrzde’z clip v ɖ Norʈants p’līsćīf ʈreṭnñ t gt hiz ofisrz t srć ɖ contents v ppl’z śopñbascits fr îtmz h dīmz non-isnśl. Ẃt cn y se? In ɖ spirit v naśnl tgɖrnis, mî mn tecǎt fṛm ɖs z ɖt w śd riyli cmit t a Yṛviźn entri nxt yir.
Mrīna Haid z a Gardịn coḷmnist
