Dīpli dis’pôntd Śaps dfndz onṛbl art v layñ
(Transcription of an article published in the Guardian on 13 April 2022)
Ministr sīmd t implî y hd t b cmplitli hartlis nt t axpt slf-pitiyñ cntriśn v PM
Jon Crês, Wnzde 13 Epril 2022
Cumiʈ ɖ aur, cumiʈ ɖ man. In ɖ end it hd cm dǎn t a tū-hors res btwn Nedīn Dōriz n Grant Śaps t tec on ɖ mornñ mīdịrǎnd az ɖe hd bn ɖ onli membrz v ɖ Tori Wancocṛsi stypid inuf t ansr ɖer fonz. Īvn Jemz Clevrli, ōna Jimi Dimli, hd rmembrd t swić hiz mobîl t sîḷnt.
N ẃl ɖr wz litl t ćūz btwn Nedīn’z n Grant’s abject, nīdi loylti t Boris Jonsn, Nu 10 ʈt ɖt on baḷns Śaps wz ɖ betr bet. Nedīn wz jst tù mć v a lạbiḷti n cd laś ǎt – ś mt īvn imbaṛs hrslf bî ʈreṭnñ t cut ITV’z public fundñ – ẃl Grant wz jst prfict. In hiz Mîcl Grīn gt-rić-qc prsona, h hd jst ɖ qoḷtiz rqîrd. Nwn cd tōc śit qt so śemlisli. N wɖ sć utr cntmt fr hiz ōdịns.
Śaps bgan evri inṭvy bî seyñ hǎ dis’pôntd h hd bn. H nvr md clir ẃt it wz xacli ɖt h wz dis’pôntd abt, ɖo ɖ longr h wnt on, ɖ mor it sīmd ɖt ẃt sadnd him ɖ most wz ɖt ɖ Convict hd bn còt. Boris’z riyl crîm wz gtñ faund ǎt. In ɖ Pḷtonic Jonsońn wrld t ẃć Grant wz a peid-up sbscrîbr, ɖ gd gaiz wr ɖ bad gaiz hu olwz got awe wɖ it. T b coḷrd bî ɖ Mét n b faind £50 wz nt part v ɖ script. H dd’nt īvn mc a pritns v trayñ t dfnd Riśi Sŭnac. Ɖ ćanslr z tost, hvñ nt hd ɖ slf-wrʈ t rzîn.
It wz lîc ɖs, sd Śaps. Ɖ prîm̦inistr wz morṭfaid t hv bn còt brecñ ɖ lw n hd apoḷjîzd fr ɖt. N f Śaps cd fînd it in hiz hart t axpt ɖt apoḷji n fgiv him, ɖen ɖ rest v s òt t b ebl t d so tù. H sīmd t implî y hd t b cmplitli hartlis nt t axpt ɖ slf-pitiyñ cntriśn v a sirịl layr. Aftr ol, ɖ Convict hd īvn peid ɖ fixt-penlti notis. Śaps sd ɖs az f it wz in sm we s’prîzñ n wz smʈñ fr ẃć w śd b pṛfǎndli gretfl. Phps w śd. Boris z’nt noun fr reḍli peyñ hiz déts.
Hvñ dn hiz utmost t miṇmîz ɖ crîm, Śaps wnt on t trivịlîz it stl frɖr. Ol ɖt Jonsn hd dn wz wōc intu ɖ roñ rūm bî mstec. F h hd onli jst cept gwñ n gn p t hiz flat, ɖen nn v ɖs wd hv hapnd. Instd h hd wondrd intu ɖ cabiṇtrūm t fînd himslf ambśt bî cec, būz, colīgz, hiz wîf n ɖ intirịr dzînr. N poṣbli Diḷn ɖ dog. So h hd naćṛli asymd h wz in yt anɖr, unscedyld wrcmītñ.
Grant’s cilr lîn wz ɖt w hd t rmembr ɖ prîm̦inistr wz a totl idịt hu cd’nt rec̣gnîz a parti ẃn h wz at wn. Ɖr hd nvr bn eni intnśn fr ɖ Convict t atnd eni v ɖ partiz fr ẃć h wz undr invstgeśn. H wz jst a teṛbli unluci ingenu wɖ a bad tracrecord v trnñ p in ɖ roñ ples at ɖ roñ tîm. It wz a totl cǒinsidns ɖt h hd bn at so mni partiz. Nt ɖt h hd bn at eni uɖr partiz. Or ɖt hiz brʈde parti hd bn a parti. It wz p t ɖ p’līs t dsîd ẃt wz a parti, ɖo h hopt ɖ’d d a betr job v it in ɖ fyćr ɖn ɖe hd manijd on Tyzde.
“It wz’nt hiz intnśn t lî,” Śaps cntinyd. “Ɖr wz no malis in enʈñ h dd.” Jonsn hd nvr set ǎt t brec ɖ lw. It hd jst nvr ocŕd t him ɖt ɖ lw mt olso aplî t him. H hd olwz asymd ɖ rūlz wr fr ɖ Litl Ppl. Az fr ɖ lîz, ɖ Convict cd’nt b xpctd t hlp himslf. Layñ wz ẃt h olwz dd. H hd laid t hiz faṃli, h hd laid t hiz frendz n h hd laid t ɖ cuntri. N f h hd laid t ɖ Qīn abt ɖ proṛgeśn, ɖr wz evri posbiḷti ɖt ɖ “Layn v Cyīv” hd olso laid t Prezidnt Zelensci. So layñ t parḷmnt wz no big dīl. Jst gro p n gro sm. Jonsn wz an Onṛbl Man. An Onṛbl Layr.
Hir wz ɖ dīl: śr, Jonsn mt hv brocn ɖ lw n laid abt it n evrʈñ els. Enwn fr 42 ny hospitlz? Bt hiz tracrecord spouc fr itslf.
It srtnli dd. Ɖo nt in ɖ we Śaps mt hv hopt. Infleśn z crīpñ p munʈ bî munʈ. Ɖ cost v livñ n eṇji prîsz r nǎ criticl. Brexit z a dzastr wɖ xports dǎn n lori teilbacs fṛm Dovr. Ɖ icoṇmi z tancñ n ol ɖ Convict cn d z tec pleźr in ɖ fełr v Sŭnac’s sprñstetmnt. Ɖ onli eria in ẃć Jonsn cn tec credit z hiz hanḍlñ v ɖ wor in Ycren. Ɖo ɖt wz no rīzn fr nt rplesñ him wɖ smwn wɖ a besic rspct fr ɖ rūl v lw. N ɖ cuntri.
W śd b gretfl t hv sć a briłnt līdr, Śaps dclerd. I’d het t si ẃt a pis-pur līdr lct lîc. Bt Grant wz of on wn, ruśñ on az h waund p sevṛl inṭvyz fṛm ẃć h hd imrjd reḷtivli unsceɖd. It trnz ǎt ɖt layñ z’nt sć a bad plan aftr ol. Jecb Rīs-Mog wz dscuṿrñ mć ɖ sem ʈñ on TōcRedio. Ɖ rūlz wr roñ n Jonsn hd set an xampl bî brecñ ɖm. W cd’nt hv a līdrśp contest bcz w wr at wor – nyz t ol v s – n in eni ces w nīdd ɖ Convict far mor ɖn h nīdd s. Ẃt w hd dn t dzrv sć a layr n a śarḷtn h dd’nt se.
