Tag Archives: John Crace

Fṛm Đ Gardịn: Any correlation between the truth and what Liz Truss said was entirely coincidental

Truss was in a full-on state of denial. If she had accidentally mouthed the odd truth she would definitely make sure that she never made that mistake again. Photograph: Henry Nicholls/Reuters
Trus wz in a fl-on stet v dnayl. F ś hd axdnṭli mǎɖd ɖ od truʈ ś wd defiṇtli mc śr ɖt ś nvr md ɖt mstec agn. Foṭgraf: Hnri Niclz/Rôtrz

Eni coṛleśn btwn ɖ truʈ n ẃt Liz Trus sd wz intîrli cǒinsdntl

(Transcription of an article published in the Guardian on Tuesday 17 May 2022)

Tōriz’ Brexit-d’renjmnt sindrom wz in fl swñ az Trus gev stetmnt on plan t dis’plî Norɖn Îrḷnd proṭcol

John Crace

Jon Crês, Tyzde 17 Me 2022

Ɖr wz gwñ t b hel t pe ẃn Liz Trus faund ǎt hu hd ngośietd, agrìd n sînd ɖ Norɖn Îrḷnd proṭcol. Ẃt’s mor, nwn hd evr sd ɖr wz an ilex́n-winñ, uvn-redi Brexit dīl on ɖ tebl bac in 2019. Ɖt wz ɖ cnd v śemlis lî onli opziśnpartiz cd tel …

Boris Jonsn hz ɖ nac v brññ evrwn dǎn t hiz levl in ɖ end. C’rupt, narssistic, incompitnt. Ɖ foṛn secṛtri z jst ɖ lêtist – f intîrli cmplisit – victim in ɖs. So ẃn ś cem t ɖ Comnz t gv hr stetmnt on guvnmntplanz t dis’plî ɖ Norɖn Îrḷnd proṭcol, Trus wz in a fl-on stet v dnayl. Eni coṛleśn btwn ẃt ś sd n ɖ truʈ wz intîrli cǒinsdntl. N f ś hd axdnṭli mǎɖd ɖ od truʈ ś wd defiṇtli mc śr ɖt ś nvr md ɖt mstec agn.

Ẃt w got wz slrd ramḅlñz reṃnisnt v smwn struñ ǎt on fnṭnil. Ɖ Norɖn Îrḷnd proṭcol hd nvr bn intndd t b set in ston. It hd olwz bn jst a tmprri fix untl ɖ YC guvnmnt cem p wɖ smʈñ it lîct betr. Riyli? Trus clirli hd’nt bn folowñ hǎ ɖ Convict hd sold it t ɖ cuntri bac in 2019. Ɖen it hd bn ɖ ansr – ɖ Majic Bŭlit – t evri Brexitr’z drīmz.

Ɖr wz clirli a part v Trus ɖt ń ś wz spywñ a wrdsaḷd v boḷcs bcz ś stumbld ovr sntnsz n spouc in a r’botic moṇton. Az f struġlñ t disingej fṛm ẃt’s left v hr conśns. Telñ lîz on ɖs scel mst b so c’rosiv t eni sns v prsnl integṛti n slf-wrʈ. Ɖr me stl b a smōl part v hr ɖt nz ś z a frōd. Bt it mst b sîḷnst. Ś hz sold hr soul in ɖ b’lif ɖt hr ambiśn cn onli b riylîzd bî ǎt-Cnvictñ ɖ Convict. It w’nt end wel. Slīpwōcñ n wośñ hr handz.

Yt on ś wnt. Ɖ proṭcol hd hd unintndd consiqnsz. Consiqnsz, sć az a bordr in ɖ Îriś Sì, ɖt hd bn wîdli pridictd loñ bfr ɖ Brexit dīl hd bn agrìd. Bt Trus wz at penz t pônt ǎt ɖt ś wz’nt planñ t scrap ɖ proṭcol. Jst rendr it toṭli unrecgnîẓbl unls ɖ YY hapnd t agri t evrʈñ ɖ YC guvnmnt asct.

N it wz defiṇtli līgl t brec inṭnaśnl lwz. Ś ń ɖt bcz ɖ guvnmnt hd tecn advîs fṛm a top loyr, ɖo ś cd’nt se hu ɖt top loyr wz bcz it wz a sīcrit. Luc̣li ś dd’nt nīd t. Ɖ atrnijenṛl, Suela Braṿmn, wz sitñ rît bî hr sîd. Smʈñ ɖt śd hv gvn most Tōriz sm pōz fr ʈt, az Braṿmn z wn v ɖ dimist loyrz arnd. Ɖ cnd v loyr ɖt nn v hr pirz wd īvn trust t witnis a pasportfoto. Stl, ś z toṭli cmplaynt n wl se ẃtvr z rqîrd. Ẃć z ẃ Jonsn valyz hr.

Stìvn Dǎti, standñ in fr Devid Lami, hu wz slf-îṣletñ, traid t spel ǎt a fy homtruɖz. It hd bn Jonsn’z guvnmnt hu hd cm p wɖ ɖ proṭcol. Trus śc hr hed. It defiṇtli hd’nt bn. Dǎti prest on. Îɖr ɖ guvnmnt hd’nt unḍstd ẃt it wz sînñ p t, or it hd olwz intndd t rneg on ɖ dīl. H fūliśli míst ǎt an obvịs ʈrd opśn. Ɖt ɖ Convict n Trus hd’nt hd a clu ẃt ɖe wr dwñ n hd pland on tẹrñ p ɖ agrīmnt.

Lebr wz ol fr smōl amndmnts t ɖ proṭcol, sd Dǎti. Lîc endñ ćecs on sanẉjz ɖt hd no ćans v biyñ smugld ovr ɖ bordr t ɖ rpublic. Ɖz h wz śr ɖ YY cd agri t. Bt bigr ćenjz wr a fanṭsi. Smʈñ ɖt wd nt onli sparc a tred wor wɖ ɖ YY – Trus prct p at ɖs: ś’z olwz fansid hrslf az a latr-de Gloriana drept in a yńn jac – bt wd snd a mesij t ɖ rest v ɖ wrld ɖt ɖ YC cd nt b trustd t cīp eni v its inṭnaśnl obḷgeśnz.

Nǎ Trus fŭli lost ɖ plot. It wz lîc ɖs, ś sd. Ɖ YC hd onli agrìd t ɖ proṭcol bcz it hd nvr xpctd ɖ YY t acć̣li aplî it. Ś hd olwz ʈt ɖt ɖ YY hd bn ngośietñ in īqli az bad feʈ az ɖ Convict n it hd cm az a totl śoc ɖt ɖe hd riyli mnt ẃt ɖe sd. Ɖt wz’nt hǎ līgl agrīmnts norṃli wrct.

Ɖ guvnmnt’s prîoṛti wz t prizrv ɖ Gd Frîde agrīmnt, ẃć wz toṭli incmpatbl wɖ ɖ proṭcol – ś stl dd’nt nǒ hu hd bn mronic inuf t sîn ɖ agrīmnt – so it wz nǎ hr dyti t brec ɖ lw f ɖ YY dd’nt oblîj. Ẃć ś hopt ɖe wd’nt.

Sîmn Hòr, ɖ ćer v ɖ Norɖn Îrḷnd s’lect cmiti, wz apōld Trus cd b cnsiḍrñ brecñ ɖ lw, bt olmst evri uɖr Tori MP wz xtatic. Bil Caś recnd w śd b startñ a landwor wɖ Jrṃni – h’l nvr b trūli hapi untl ɖ Hun hz bn tòt a lésn. T’rīza Viłrz ʈt w śd puniś ɖ YY fr nt tecñ ɖ Qīn’z platinmjūḅli sirịsli inuf.

Brexit-d’renjmnt sindrom wz in fl swñ. Ol ɖoz MPz hu hd loñd fr sm poẓtiv Brexit nyz wr on ɖer fīt. Stīv Becr rvild himslf t b a clozit Marxist. Ẃt wz nīdd wz daylectics. Ɖ YY wz suḟrñ fṛm fōls conśsnis bî aplayñ ɖ proṭcol so w wd b dwñ ɖm a fevr bî ignorñ it. Blesid r ɖ pīs-mcrz. Cris Grelñ ʈt it wz ɖ YY hu wz brecñ ɖ lw. Bles. Gv him a stic n h’l fînd ɖ roñ end v it. Pītr Bon sevd ɖ bst fr last. Brexit hd onli bn poṣbl bcz Boris hd bn priperd t lî. So ẃt wz rqîrd wz yt mor layñ.

Ɖ DYP’z Jefri Donldsn olso hd s’lectiv amnīzia. H hd nvr s’portd ɖ proṭcol, h sd. Ɖo h defiṇtli hd. H wz left t a prîṿt grīf. Nwn rmîndd him ɖt ɖ DYP hd olso hd ɖer ćansz n blù it bî opozñ T’rīza Me’z Norɖn Îrḷnd bacstop. Ɖt wd hv iliṃnetd a bordr in ɖ Îriś Sì …

Bî nǎ Trus hd cmplitli tynd ǎt. Hr wrc wz dn. Ś hd lct tuf fr ɖ Brex̣ti bacbnćrz ẃl pisñ of ɖ Îriś n ɖ YY. Îdiyl fr hr līdrśp ćansz. Evri clǎd n ol ɖt.

Instroduction to Ñspel

Fṛm Đ Gardịn: The Convict blusters but the only cause in which he truly believes is his own survival

When she could get a word in edgeways, Susanna Reid questioned the prime minister’s honesty on Good Morning Britain. Photograph: ITV
Ẃn ś cd gt a wrd in éjwez, Sūzana Rìd qsćnd ɖ prîm̦inistr’z oṇsti on Gd Mornñ Britn. Foṭgraf: ITV

Ɖ Convict blustrz bt ɖ onli cōz in ẃć h trūli b’livz z hiz ǒn svîvl

(Transcription of an article published in the Guardian on 3 May 2022)

Boris Jonsn’z cmpaśn-fri GMB inṭvy wnt fṛm carcraś t pîl-up az h mansplend awe hiz dsoṇsti

John Crace

Jon Crês, Tyzde, 3 Me 2022

Fr a ẃl it lct az f Boris Jonsn mt hv bn hîdñ in a frij fr a secnd tîm. Gd Mornñ Britn’z inṭvy wɖ ɖ prîm̦inistr hd bn scejld t start at 8.15 n bî 8.25 ɖr wz stl no sîn v him. Bac in ɖ ITV stydio, Rićd Mêdli wz hvñ t fil tîm wɖ a Zūm inṭvy wɖ Patric Cīlti. Ɖ Îriś cmīdịn n prizntr yzd ɖ ded er t rmînd evrwn ɖt Jonsn wz a layr so ɖ tîm wz’nt intîrli westd.

It srtnli tìd ʈñz p nîsli fr Sūzana Rìd ẃn a crumpld n pesti-fest Jonsn ivnć̣li jônd hr in hiz Dǎnñ Strīt studi jst bfr 8.30. Aftr rmîndñ him ɖt it hd bn 1,791 dez sins h hd last apird on GMB, Rìd cut t ɖ ćes. “R y onist, prîm̦inistr?” ś asct. “Yes,” rplaid ɖ Convict. Ɖ inṭvy hd run fr les ɖn 20 secndz, n Jonsn hd olrdi tld hiz frst lai.

Rìd gev him a secnd ćans t rīʈnc hiz ansr. Nɖr ś nr Boris sīmd t ʈnc it at ol unyźl ɖt ɖ frst ʈñ ś wd wont t asc a prîm̦inistr aftr fîv yirz wz ẃɖr h wz a layr. Bʈ ń ɖ prizumśn wz ɖt h wz. Ɖt’s hǎ lo w’v sunc. A cuntri rdyst t ɖ levl v a śalo narssist. Ɖ Convict blustrd, trayñ t hej hiz bets. It wz’nt ɖt h wz layñ, mor ɖt h wz a contṛvrṣ́list. In hiz drīmz. H’z jst a tîrd joc ɖt’s no longr funi. A wośt p end v ɖ pír act.

Īvn so, Jonsn cd’nt hlp digñ. A man olwz despṛt t g lowr stl. “I d mî bst t repriznt feʈḟli n akṛtli ẃt I b’liv,” h sd. Ɖs wz telñ. Bʈ fr ɖ admiśn ɖt ɖ truʈ dz nt cm īẓli t him, ɖt at tîmz ɖr z an unbriɉbl gap btwn fanṭsi n riaḷti in hiz conśsnis, n ɖ implisit acnolijmnt ɖt ɖ onli cōz in ẃć h trūli b’livz z hiz ǒn svîvl. N ɖt fr him ɖr z a worpt nbiḷti in biyñ dsonist in psyt v ɖt end. Īvn nǎ h c’nt brñ himslf t admit ɖt h dlibṛtli msléd parḷmnt ovr Partiget. Dspt hvñ atndd mni v ɖ partiz himslf. Ɖt’s nt jst layñ. It’s a pʈoḷji.

Aftr a brīf dip intu Ycren – Jonsn wz aḍmnt ɖ Ruśnz wr grūmñ ćildṛn az slīpr ejnts, ẃć wz ẃ ɖ YC wz insistñ on vīzaz fr ol refyjīz – Rìd muvd on t ɖ cost v livñ. Ɖ Convict wz aḍmnt ɖ guvnmnt wz dwñ evrʈñ it cd, apart fṛm ɖ eriaz in ẃć it cd b dwñ mor. H dd’nt īvn apir t notis h hd jst contṛdictd himslf. So mć fr hiz feṃs Oxḟd Yńn dbetñscilz. Rɖr, h wz mostli intnt on tōcñ ovr Rìd n trayñ t wînd dǎn ɖ cloc on ɖ inṭvy. Īvn h cd si ɖ inṭvy wz trnñ intu a carcraś, n hiz legz wîdnd frɖr apart ɖ mor h traid t mansplen hiz we ǎt v it.

Rìd wz nt so īẓli dflectd n wundrd hǎ Elsi wz s’pozd t gt bî. Elsi wz a 77-yir-old pnśnr hu cd nǎ aford t īt onli wn mīl a de n hd tecn t yzñ hr buspas t rîd ɖ busz ol de jrñ of-pīc aurz t cīp worm. A hint v recgniśn fṛm Ɖ Convict. “I bròt in ɖ Frīdmpas az Lundn mẹr,” h ćipt in. H hd’nt v cors, bt ɖ lai wz ɖ līst v it.

Ɖ riyl gv’we wz ẃt ɖs sd abt Jonsn. Ɖr wz no cmpaśn fr Elsi n ppl lîc hr hu wr struġlñ, nt jst t gt bî bt t ste alîv. No sns v dyti t or rsponsbiḷti fr ɖ cuntri h pṛfest t srv. Jst an īgrnis t tec ɖ credit fr mcñ it poṣbl fr pnśnrz t spend ɖer dez cīpñ worm at ɖ buscumṗni’s xpns. Az f ɖs wz smhǎ a briłnt guvnmnt iniṣ́tiv fr ẃć ɖ lîcs v Elsi òt t b gretfl. Nxt p ɖ Convict wl b clemñ ɖ nîțyb wz dzînd az acoṃdeśn fr ɖoz hu c’nt aford hītñ. Ɖ concrīt z gd fr ǎr bacs. Luci, luci s.

Bî nǎ Jonsn wz viẓbli struġlñ. Eni ʈts v a trîumfnt, soft priilex́ns inṭvy hd loñ sins craśt n brnd az h ramt p hiz dvrśnri tactics. Bt Rìd steid foc̣st. Hǎ mć hd ɖ cerrz’ alawns gn p bî? Boris hd’nt a clu. N dd’nt riyli cer. H jst wontd hiz ordīl t end. Bt hiz īgrnis t gt awe onli trnd ɖ carcraś intu a multipl pîl-up.

Eṇjicumṗniz cd’nt poṣbli b xpctd t pe a windfōl tax az BP wz struġlñ t gt bî on £6bn profits fṛm ɖ last qortr. Ppl lîc Elsi śd’nt b so grīdi. It wz tîm fr hr t stop wunḍrñ ẃt ɖ guvnmnt cd d fr hr n t start biyñ a bit mor altruistic. Bî ītñ wns evri uɖr de, fr xampl. N f ś cd lrn t ʈnc v taxrîzz az taxcuts ɖen ś’d hv mor muni t spend n wd’nt nīd t west ẃt wz left v hr lîf gwñ bcwdz n fwdz on ɖ Sǎʈ Srklr. Most v ol, Elsi śd unḍstand ɖt 10% infleśn wz hr fōlt so ś śd b ɖ wn hu sufrd.

Fr ɖ last fy minits – ẃn ś cd gt a wrd in éjwez – Rìd rvrtd t ɖ Convict’s oṇsti. Hǎ cm w hd a prîm̦inistr hu wz ɖ sntr v a wn-man crîmwev? N ẃ dd evrwn els hu wz gilti v brecñ ɖ lw hv t rzîn ẃn h steid pt? Jonsn mumbld smʈñ abt biyñ prǎd v ẃt h hd aćivd – imajin ɖ cogṇtiv diṣnns – bfr Rìd cōld tîm. “Lren’z wêtñ,” ś sd.

“Lren hu?” asct Jonsn. Fr wns, ɖs wz’nt an act. H jenyinli hd no îdīa hu Lren Celi wz. It wz olmst az f h sspctd ɖt ITV mt hv rusld p yt anɖr luvr wɖ a ptrṇtisūt. Ɖ Convict’s dez az ɖ slf-stîld man v ɖ ppl r loñ gn. N it wl b wel mor ɖn fîv yirz bfr h agriz t anɖr GMB inṭvy. Ẃr wz a frij ẃn y nīdd wn?

Instroduction to Ñspel

Fṛm Đ Gardịn: Starmer makes no attempt to conceal his hatred and contempt for The Convict

Keir Starmer was in no mood to let Johnson off the hook. Photograph: UK Parliament/Jessica Taylor/PA
Cir Starmr wz in no mūd t let Jonsn of ɖ hc. Foṭgraf: YC Parḷmnt/Jesica Teilr/PE Jon Crês, Wnzde 20 Epril 2022

Starmr mcs no atmt t cnsil hiz hetrid n cntmt fr Ɖ Convict

(Transcription of an article published in the Guardian on 20 April 2022)

Jonsn wz cīn t tōc abt enʈñ bt Partiget, az Tori fruntbnćrz wśt ɖe wr enẃr bt bhnd him

John Crace

Jon Crês, Wnzde 20 Epril 2022

Ɖ  lcs on ɖ Tori fruntbnć sd it ol. Doṃnic Rāb, Aloc Śarma, Liz Trus n Sajid Javid cd bérli brñ ɖmslvz t īvn glans at Boris Jonsn. Ɖer îz wr ded, ɖer fesz xpreśnlis. Jst wśñ ɖe wr enẃr bt in ɖ Comnz fr prîm̦inistr’z qsćnz. Bīm m p. Riylîzñ ɖe wr stuc in ɖer līdr’z ǒn nîtmer. Partiget wz’nt gwñ awe eni tîm sn. It wd b wɖ ɖm fr munʈs yt. Slǒli dragñ evrwn dǎn wɖ it. Ɖ Convict’s śem wz nǎ ɖer śem.

Jonsn wz cīn t muv on. H wz despṛt t tōc abt ɖ cost v livñ crîsis – īvn ɖo it’s gtñ wrs bî ɖ de undr hiz guvnmnt. At ɖs ret, haf ɖ cuntri wl b ītñ fṛm fūdbancs bî ɖ end v ɖ yir. Ɖt’s f enwn cn aford t yz a ccr.

Enʈñ bt foc̣s on hiz ǒn criṃnaḷti. Boris hd md an apoḷji v sorts ɖ īvnñ bfr. It hd bn dvôd v eni riyl cntriśn, bt so ẃt? It wd hv t d. Riyl rpntns wd sjst a dzîr t ćenj. N h flt no sć ʈñ. Ol Ɖ Convict wz riyli sori fr wz hvñ got còt. Ɖ lw wz nvr mnt fr ppl lîc him.

Bt it wz nvr gwñ t wrc ǎt so īẓli fr Jonsn. Ɖr wd b mor fainz fr far mor sirịs ofnsz. Tori MPz hu hd gn ǎt on a lim t dfnd him fr hiz brʈde parti – ɖ cnd v gaɖ̇rñ ɖt ɖ prîm̦inistr hd sd wz ilīgl on an olmst nîtli besis jrñ hiz locdǎn presconfṛnsz – wd nǎ fînd ɖmslvz ʈroun undr a bus az ɖe wr asct t xplen ol ɖ uɖr pis-ups.

Cir Starmr wz in no mūd t let Jonsn of ɖ hc. H bgan wɖ a simpl qsćn. Wn t ẃć h ń Ɖ Convict hd no ansr. Ẃ hd h axptd Alegra Stratn’z reẓgneśn? F ɖr hd nvr bn eni partiz, az h hd frīqntli tld MPz, ẃ wz ɖr eni nīd fr hr t līv Nu 10? Boris mumbld inc̣hiṛntli n tugd Ɖ Todlr Hercut. Hiz fes wz pesti n h wz lcñ lîc carịn. It’s a s’prîz nwn hz sjstd h gz fr hiz ǒn gd, nvr mînd ɖ cuntri’z.

Ɖs wz a visṛl crosixaṃneśn. Ɖ Lebr līdr yst t trî t cīp PMQz on a stricli pṛfeśnl wrcñbesis. Ɖ f’renzic semi-dtaćt loyr. Bt nǎ h mcs no atmt t cnsil hiz hetrid n cntmt fr Jonsn. It drips lîc asid fṛm evri sntns. N z ol ɖ mor dedli fr it. It’s nt ɖ ramḅlñ, śambolic dslîc ɖt Boris hz fr Starmr n enwn els hu derz ćalinj him. It’s d’rectd wɖ lezr prisiźn.

Aftr listñ uɖrz hu hd peid fr ɖer rūl-brecñ wɖ ɖer jobz, Starmr rtrnd t Jonsn’z bhevyr ɖ prīvịs de. Hvñ pt on a śo fr ɖ TV camraz in ɖ Comnz v apoḷjîzñ fr hvñ bn faund gilti v brecñ ɖ lw – it’s stl nt clir f h riyli b’livz h brouc a lw, or f h ʈncs ɖ lw aplîz t him – h śoud hiz tru culrz in a prîṿt mītñ v Tori MPz.

Ɖ strugl v biyñ on hiz bst bhevyr fr tū aurz hd bn tù mć, n Ɖ Convict hd let rip. H’d nvr riyli bn gilti v enʈñ. Ɖ rūlz wr stypid n h’d b śr t gv a pìs v hiz mînd t huevr hd md ɖm. Wrst v ol wr ɖ BBC n ɖ arćbiṣ́p v Canṭbri, hu hd bn tufr on ɖ guvnmnt’s iṃgreśnpoḷsi ɖn ɖe hd on Pūtin’z inveźn v Ycren.

Jonsn cnfctd ǎtrej. Starmr wz nʈñ bt a Corḅnista in an Izlñtn sūt, h blustrd. It stl dd’nt wrc ẃn h traid ɖ lîn a secnd tîm. Nwn b’livz Starmr z a Corḅnista n it wz Jonsn hu yst t ǒn ɖ £3.75m Izlñtn hǎs. P untl ɖ pônt h got sluñ ǎt fr hvñ yt anɖr afer. Layñ n dsit r Ɖ Convict’s lîfblud.

H ɖen dd a bit v PR fr ɖ Rwandan tŭristbōrd. Ɖ cuntri wz besicli wn big hoḷdecamp n f hiz plan dd hv a fōlt, it wz ɖt refyjīz wd b clogñ p Cnt bīćz in ɖer desṗreśn t gt a fri erticit t Cgāli. Bt īvn ɖen, ɖ Rwandnz wd b ʈrild t gt so mni imigṛnts. It wz olmst az f h b’livd ɖt iṃgreśn cd b beṇfiśl t a cuntri.

Ɖen Ɖ Convict trnd hiz atnśn t ɖ BBC. H hd nvr sd ɖ BBC wz bayst in its jrṇlizm. It hd jst bn a stori invntd bî ɖ … ’r, Dêli Teḷgraf. Tel ɖt t ɖ prîm̦inistr’z preșpocsprsn, hu brīft ɖ hacs. Tori MPz hu hd onli jst got yst t ɖ îdīa ɖt ɖ Bīb wr īvl leftiz hu śd hv ɖ lîsnsfī wɖdrwn lct unḍstanḍbli nonplust bî ɖs sudn rvrsl bt ćouz t rol wɖ it. Evrʈñ wz a lî, h insistd. H hd bn slandrd. Ɖ îṛni v Boris akzñ uɖrz v layñ dd’nt iscep enwn.

Bî nǎ Jonsn wz c’rirñ ǎt v cntrol n h bérli svîvd ɖ rest v ɖ seśn az wn opziśn MP aftr anɖr pôntd ǎt ɖt h cd’nt b trustd t tel ɖ truʈ abt enʈñ. Īvn ɖ most vocl Tori bacbnćrz fél sîḷnt az it graɉli dōnd on ɖm ɖt ɖer ćampịn wz nǎ ɖer lạbiḷti. Ɖe jst wontd it ol t stop. Bt it hd bérli jst bgun. Ɖr wz onli wn endñ t ɖs. N it wd’nt b priti fr Ɖ Convict.

Instroduction to Ñspel

Fṛm Đ Gardịn: Johnson the Criminal lays down the law for asylum seekers

Prime minister proffers surreal reasons for sending people fleeing war to human rights paradise of Rwanda
Boris Jonsn ‘traid t cnvins a fy bord srvisprṣnél ɖt Cgāli wd host ɖ ny ǎtpost v Butlin’z’. Foṭgraf: Mát Dunm/PA

Jonsn ɖ Criminl lez dǎn ɖ lw fr asîḷmsīcrz

(Transcription of an article published in the Guardian on 14 April 2022)

Prîm̦inistr profrz sriyl rīznz fr sndñ ppl fliyñ wor t hymn-rîts paṛdîs v Rwanda

John Crace

Jon Crês, Ʈrzde 14 Epril 2022

Hymaṇti z’nt ɖ Hom Ofis’z strongist sūt. Bt ɖen, nɖr z cḿṇceśn. Last wīc Rićd Harñtn, ɖ refyjīzministr, wz asct bî ɖ brōdcastr LBC f ɖ guvnmnt hd eni planz t ofśor refyjīz t Rwanda. H rplaid wɖ an unambigẏs no. H hd no clu ẃr sć an îdīa mt hv cm fṛm. Nwn in ɖ Hom Ofis hd dscust enʈñ lîc ɖs wɖ him. It wz a nonstori; scer tactics fṛm paṛnôd libṛlz trayñ t dscredit Priti Ptél. Nt ɖt ɖ homsecṛtri nīdz eni hlp. Ś nvr felz t dscredit hrslf.

Cy 10 dez lêtr n Boris Jonsn wz at a hangr in Líd, Cnt, t anǎns ẃt h traid t cnvins a fy bord srvisprṣnél n a hanfl v scepticl hacs wz ɖ ny ǎtpost v Butlin’z in Cgāli. A pleźrpalis fr refyjīz mor ɖn 5,000 mîlz awe. In a cuntri ẃr ɖ probḷm wz wel ǎt v sît v Britiś îz. God fbid ɖt eni Brits mt hv t incǎntr despṛt ppl fliyñ wor n prṣkśn.

Sm hd ʈt ɖ tîmñ wz ol a bit tù cnvińnt. Aftr dez v bad hedlînz abt ɖ prîm̦inistr’z ǒn criṃnaḷti, a ćans t muv ʈñz on wɖ a poḷsi ɖt wd g dǎn a storm wɖ red-wōl Tori votrz bfr ɖ Me locl ilex́nz n pis of jst abt evrwn wɖ a moṛl conśns. It wz ɖt sinicl. Ol ɖ mor so bcz ɖ Cgāli hostl cd wel rmen emti fr yirz az sivl-rîts loyrz tec ɖ guvnmnt t cort fr actñ ilīġli. Ɖ Ptemcin Pleźrdom.

Bt ɖ riaḷti wz ɖt it wz mor lîc cilñ tū brdz wɖ wn ston. Śr, it wz gd t tōc abt smʈñ uɖr ɖn Partiget, bt ɖ Convict n Ptél hd jenyinli bn wrcñ on ɖ d’renjd plan fr munʈs, dspt ɖ bst eḟts v sivl srvnts t tōc ɖm ǎt v it, n wr fîṇli redi t pt ɖer idịsi n cruwlti on vy. N stl nwn hd ʈt t cīp Lord Harñtn in ɖ lūp.

Jonsn startd wɖ ɖ yźl wofl. Ɖ stuf h nīdz t tel himslf ć mornñ so h cn drag himslf ǎt v hiz bed n lc in ɖ mirr. Smhǎ h hz t fînd a we v cnvinsñ himslf h’z a dīsnt man. Nt sm layñ narssist hu wl d n se enʈñ t gt him ʈru ɖ de reḷtivli unsceɖd. So h mumbld smʈñ abt Britn’z fîn hisṭri v opņis n jeṇroṣti t refyjīz.

’r, hlo. W tc jst 9,000 ćildṛn in ɖ Kindertransport. N onli md a big fus abt cngrać̣letñ ǎrslvz fr ɖt bcz w hd’nt tecn eni adult Juz fliyñ Natsi prṣkśn. N ɖen w md olmst no planz t tec in eni Afgan refyjīz last yir aftr ɖ YS wɖdrwl n hd t hesṭli scūp p a fy ʈǎznd intrpritrz n uɖr ci wrcrz at ɖ last momnt. N īvn ɖen w sīmd mor inṭrestd in gtñ pets ǎt v ɖ cuntri rɖr ɖn ppl in fir fr ɖer lîvz. So, nt so gret. A qc riaḷti ćec. Ɖ YC z ɖ fifʈ or sixʈ larjist icoṇmi n tecs jst 0.2% v ɖ wrld’z refyjīz.

Ɖen ɖ Convict got dǎn t ɖ niti-griti. H wontd t stop ɖ tred in ppltraḟcñ. Bt h dd’nt wont t d it bî mcñ it īzịr fr ppl t clem asîḷm in ɖ cuntri. At preznt refyjīz r stuc in a cać-22. Ɖe cn onli clem asîḷm wns ɖe r in ɖ YC bt ɖ onli we t gt hir z ilīġli. Jonsn dd’nt wont t adres ɖt. Ẃt h pṛpozd wz ɖt eni asîḷmsīcrz – includñ Ycreńnz wɖt a vīza – hu rīćt ɖ YC wɖt hvñ bn pśt bac n drǎnd ẃl crosñ ɖ Ćanl wd b rǎndd p bî ɖ armi n gvn a wn-we ticit t Rwanda. Ẃr ɖe cd rot ẃl ɖer apḷceśnz wr prosest. N f ɖe wr cold, wet n frîtnd ɖen so mć ɖ betr. Tīć ɖm nt t cm t ɖ YC.

Ɖen ʈñz jst trnd sriyl. Frst, ɖ Convict traid t portre Rwanda az sm cnd v tropicl hymn-rîts paṛdîs. Rgardlis v ɖ fact ɖt it wz a dictetrśp ɖt ɖ YC hd cndemd fr hymn-rîts vạleśnz. Ɖen h traid t clem ɖ program wd b a bargin. Ignorñ ɖ fact ɖt sm Tori MPz hd esṭmetd it wd b ćīpr t pt ol ɖ refyjīz p at ɖ Ríts. Bt h sevd ɖ bst tl last. Ɖs wz nesṣri bcz h wz a frm b’livr in ɖ rūl v lw. Fṛm ɖ man hu hz śoun a spectaklr disrigard fr it sins h bcem prîm̦inistr. Cīp ɖoz fixt-penlti noṭsz cmñ.

Jonsn cept ɖ blśit gwñ ẃn it cem t qsćnz. H mirli rpitd ɖt h wz probbli trītñ refyjīz wɖ tù mć cîndnis. Britn wd b oṿẃlmd wɖ asîḷmsīcrz despṛt t b intrnd in Rwanda. Mbi h śd trî t mc ɖ ny reźīm mor pyṇtiv.

Az fr hiz ǒn criṃnaḷti, h mirli smrct n tugd ɖ todlr hercut. F it wz ol ɖ sem, h wd fel t ansr ɖ qsćnz smtm nxt wīc. H’z tecñ ɖ hol cuntri fr mugz. W hv a criminl in Nu 10 n h rfyzz t xplen himslf. Ɖ Tori wancocṛsi in oṿdrîv, h olso sd Riśi Sŭnac wz sef in hiz job. So ɖt mīnz h’z tost. Riśi mst b wśñ h hd ɖ slf-wrʈ t rzîn.

Abt an aur lêtr, w dis’pird ʈru ɖ lcñglas. Hir w hd Ptél, az viśs az ś z haf-witd, in Cgāli. Bac in ɖ 60z hr peṛnts hd fled Yganda. Nǎ ś wz pṛpozñ t snd teṛfaid refyjīz t a neḅrñ cuntri huz ǒn sitiznz sīc sañćri elsẃr. Priti Vecnt lct a bit glum az ś réd ǎt ol ɖ poẓtivz v ɖ program, bt ćird p ẃn ś rmembrd it wz ol lîz n ɖt ɖ refyjīz wd b bañd p in a hostl aftr ol. Ɖs wz hr lîf’s wrc n ś cd dî hapi.

Instroduction to Ñspel

Fṛm Đ Gardịn: Deeply disappointed Shapps defends honourable art of lying

It seemed that what saddened Grant Shapps most was that the prime minister had been caught. Photograph: Gareth Fuller/PA
It sīmd ɖt ẃt sadnd Grant Śaps most wz ɖt ɖ prîm̦inistr hd bn còt. Foṭgraf: Gaṛʈ Fŭlr/PA

Dīpli dis’pôntd Śaps dfndz onṛbl art v layñ

(Transcription of an article published in the Guardian on 13 April 2022)

Ministr sīmd t implî y hd t b cmplitli hartlis nt t axpt slf-pitiyñ cntriśn v PM

John Crace

Jon Crês, Wnzde 13 Epril 2022

Cumiʈ ɖ aur, cumiʈ ɖ man. In ɖ end it hd cm dǎn t a tū-hors res btwn Nedīn Dōriz n Grant Śaps t tec on ɖ mornñ mīdịrǎnd az ɖe hd bn ɖ onli membrz v ɖ Tori Wancocṛsi stypid inuf t ansr ɖer fonz. Īvn Jemz Clevrli, ōna Jimi Dimli, hd rmembrd t swić hiz mobîl t sîḷnt.

N ẃl ɖr wz litl t ćūz btwn Nedīn’z n Grant’s abject, nīdi loylti t Boris Jonsn, Nu 10 ʈt ɖt on baḷns Śaps wz ɖ betr bet. Nedīn wz jst tù mć v a lạbiḷti n cd laś ǎt – ś mt īvn imbaṛs hrslf bî ʈreṭnñ t cut ITV’z public fundñ – ẃl Grant wz jst prfict. In hiz Mîcl Grīn gt-rić-qc prsona, h hd jst ɖ qoḷtiz rqîrd. Nwn cd tōc śit qt so śemlisli. N wɖ sć utr cntmt fr hiz ōdịns.

Śaps bgan evri inṭvy bî seyñ hǎ dis’pôntd h hd bn. H nvr md clir ẃt it wz xacli ɖt h wz dis’pôntd abt, ɖo ɖ longr h wnt on, ɖ mor it sīmd ɖt ẃt sadnd him ɖ most wz ɖt ɖ Convict hd bn còt. Boris’z riyl crîm wz gtñ faund ǎt. In ɖ Pḷtonic Jonsońn wrld t ẃć Grant wz a peid-up sbscrîbr, ɖ gd gaiz wr ɖ bad gaiz hu olwz got awe wɖ it. T b coḷrd bî ɖ Mét n b faind £50 wz nt part v ɖ script. H dd’nt īvn mc a pritns v trayñ t dfnd Riśi Sŭnac. Ɖ ćanslr z tost, hvñ nt hd ɖ slf-wrʈ t rzîn.

It wz lîc ɖs, sd Śaps. Ɖ prîm̦inistr wz morṭfaid t hv bn còt brecñ ɖ lw n hd apoḷjîzd fr ɖt. N f Śaps cd fînd it in hiz hart t axpt ɖt apoḷji n fgiv him, ɖen ɖ rest v s òt t b ebl t d so tù. H sīmd t implî y hd t b cmplitli hartlis nt t axpt ɖ slf-pitiyñ cntriśn v a sirịl layr. Aftr ol, ɖ Convict hd īvn peid ɖ fixt-penlti notis. Śaps sd ɖs az f it wz in sm we s’prîzñ n wz smʈñ fr ẃć w śd b pṛfǎndli gretfl. Phps w śd. Boris z’nt noun fr reḍli peyñ hiz déts.

Hvñ dn hiz utmost t miṇmîz ɖ crîm, Śaps wnt on t trivịlîz it stl frɖr. Ol ɖt Jonsn hd dn wz wōc intu ɖ roñ rūm bî mstec. F h hd onli jst cept gwñ n gn p t hiz flat, ɖen nn v ɖs wd hv hapnd. Instd h hd wondrd intu ɖ cabiṇtrūm t fînd himslf ambśt bî cec, būz, colīgz, hiz wîf n ɖ intirịr dzînr. N poṣbli Diḷn ɖ dog. So h hd naćṛli asymd h wz in yt anɖr, unscedyld wrcmītñ.

Grant’s cilr lîn wz ɖt w hd t rmembr ɖ prîm̦inistr wz a totl idịt hu cd’nt rec̣gnîz a parti ẃn h wz at wn. Ɖr hd nvr bn eni intnśn fr ɖ Convict t atnd eni v ɖ partiz fr ẃć h wz undr invstgeśn. H wz jst a teṛbli unluci ingenu wɖ a bad tracrecord v trnñ p in ɖ roñ ples at ɖ roñ tîm. It wz a totl cǒinsidns ɖt h hd bn at so mni partiz. Nt ɖt h hd bn at eni uɖr partiz. Or ɖt hiz brʈde parti hd bn a parti. It wz p t ɖ p’līs t dsîd ẃt wz a parti, ɖo h hopt ɖ’d d a betr job v it in ɖ fyćr ɖn ɖe hd manijd on Tyzde.

“It wz’nt hiz intnśn t lî,” Śaps cntinyd. “Ɖr wz no malis in enʈñ h dd.” Jonsn hd nvr set ǎt t brec ɖ lw. It hd jst nvr ocŕd t him ɖt ɖ lw mt olso aplî t him. H hd olwz asymd ɖ rūlz wr fr ɖ Litl Ppl. Az fr ɖ lîz, ɖ Convict cd’nt b xpctd t hlp himslf. Layñ wz ẃt h olwz dd. H hd laid t hiz faṃli, h hd laid t hiz frendz n h hd laid t ɖ cuntri. N f h hd laid t ɖ Qīn abt ɖ proṛgeśn, ɖr wz evri posbiḷti ɖt ɖ “Layn v Cyīv” hd olso laid t Prezidnt Zelensci. So layñ t parḷmnt wz no big dīl. Jst gro p n gro sm. Jonsn wz an Onṛbl Man. An Onṛbl Layr.

Hir wz ɖ dīl: śr, Jonsn mt hv brocn ɖ lw n laid abt it n evrʈñ els. Enwn fr 42 ny hospitlz? Bt hiz tracrecord spouc fr itslf.

It srtnli dd. Ɖo nt in ɖ we Śaps mt hv hopt. Infleśn z crīpñ p munʈ bî munʈ. Ɖ cost v livñ n eṇji prîsz r nǎ criticl. Brexit z a dzastr wɖ xports dǎn n lori teilbacs fṛm Dovr. Ɖ icoṇmi z tancñ n ol ɖ Convict cn d z tec pleźr in ɖ fełr v Sŭnac’s sprñstetmnt. Ɖ onli eria in ẃć Jonsn cn tec credit z hiz hanḍlñ v ɖ wor in Ycren. Ɖo ɖt wz no rīzn fr nt rplesñ him wɖ smwn wɖ a besic rspct fr ɖ rūl v lw. N ɖ cuntri.

W śd b gretfl t hv sć a briłnt līdr, Śaps dclerd. I’d het t si ẃt a pis-pur līdr lct lîc. Bt Grant wz of on wn, ruśñ on az h waund p sevṛl inṭvyz fṛm ẃć h hd imrjd reḷtivli unsceɖd. It trnz ǎt ɖt layñ z’nt sć a bad plan aftr ol. Jecb Rīs-Mog wz dscuṿrñ mć ɖ sem ʈñ on TōcRedio. Ɖ rūlz wr roñ n Jonsn hd set an xampl bî brecñ ɖm. W cd’nt hv a līdrśp contest bcz w wr at wor – nyz t ol v s – n in eni ces w nīdd ɖ Convict far mor ɖn h nīdd s. Ẃt w hd dn t dzrv sć a layr n a śarḷtn h dd’nt se.

Instroduction to Ñspel

Fṛm Đ Gardịn: Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe shows her strength, and a sliver of ice-cold anger

‘She wasn’t going to emote for the hell of it. She wasn’t a performing seal’ … Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe speaks alongside her husband, Richard Ratcliffe. Photograph: Reuters
‘Ś wz’nt gwñ t imot fr ɖ hel v it. Ś wz’nt a pformñsìl’ … Nazanīn Zagāri-Ratclif spīcs alñsd hr huzbnd, Rićd Ratclif. Foṭgraf: Rôtrz

Nazanīn Zagāri-Ratclif śoz hr streñʈ, n a slivr v îs-cold angr

(Transcription of an article published in the Guardian on 21 March 2022)

Fr six yirz ś wz a sîḷnt figr, bt hr vôs wz fîṇli hŕd at a Wsminstr presconfṛns

John Crace

Jon Crês, Munde 21 Marć 2022

It wz standñrūm onli in ɖ Mcmiḷn rūm v Portculis Hǎs. Ɖ frst presconfṛns t b gvn bî Nazanīn Zagāri-Ratclif sins hr rlis fṛm dtnśn in Iran wz nt smʈñ t b míst. Fr six yirz, Nazanīn hd bn a sîḷnt figr in a cntinywñ p’liticl drama. Nǎ w wr t gt a vôs t pt t a nem n foṭgraf. Ś wz t b īvn mor impresiv ɖn eni v s hd imajind.

Frst, ɖo, it wz Tylip Sdīc, Nazanīn n hr huzbnd’z locl MP, hu tc sntrstej. Hvñ peid tribyt t hr cnstitẏnts, ś cut t ɖ ćes. Gvn it hd tecn ɖ rīpemnt v an acnolijd dét t s’kr Nazanīn’z rlis, ẃt hd tecn ɖ YC guvnmnt so loñ? N ẃ hd w dtend ʈri Ireńnz hu hd cm t Lundn in 2013 t ngośiet ɖ trmz v ɖ rīpemnt? Śrli ɖt hd onli incurijd Iran t ʈnc tecñ hosṭjz wz ɖ onli we t gt its muni bac.

Nazanīn’z huzbnd, Rićd Ratclif, jst sǎndd plizd t b tecñ a bacsīt at last. Ɖ six yirz sīm t hv tecn a harśr fizicl tol on him ɖn ɖe hv on hiz wîf. H’z ejd notisbli. Hiz her’z greyr n ʈinr, hiz fes mor lînd n hiz wîf joct abt him hvñ pt on weit aftr a hungrstrîc. Mnẃl, Nazanīn lcs litl ćenjd fṛm ɖ greni iṃjz v hr arest at Terān erport in 2016. Hr scarz r ol on ɖ insd n r nt on ɖ tebl fr public cnsumśn.

“It’s nîs t b rtîrñ fṛm campenñ,” h sd, holdñ on t hiz wîf’s hand. Fr hiz ǒn s’port, rɖr ɖn hrz. Tablôd ptreylz v Nazanīn az sm pǎrlis victim còt p in a stori v globl realpolitik hv pruvd wel wîd v ɖ marc. Ś’z a stroñ, pǎrfl indipndnt wmn. Smwn hu nz hr ǒn mînd n livz lîf on hr ǒn trmz. Y cn mes wɖ hr, bt y c’nt brec hr.

Rićd wnt on t se h hd spent mć v ɖ past six yirz in a stet v wêtñ. Nǎ h wz gwñ t hv t gt yst t biyñ. H endd bî seyñ h wz in ō v hiz wîf. Az wr w ol.

Nazanīn – drest in ɖ yelo n blu v Ycren – bgan bî ʈancñ hr faṃli, bʈ in ɖ YC n Iran, bfr gwñ on t se ɖt hr frīdm wd nvr b totl untl uɖr dītenīz – sć az Morad Tābaz, huz eldist dōtr, Roxan, wz olso at ɖ presr – wr olso rlist. Dspt hvñ promist t rlis Morad on frlo, ɖ Ireńnz hd olrdi pt him bac in prizn. Wn prsn’z ilīgl dtnśn dmiṇśz s ol. It wz an xpreśn v hymaṇti n slflisnis.

Ɖen ś let rip. A vri cntrold fyri. Îsi, olmst stīli. W hd bn wornd Nazanīn wd’nt b mcñ eni ovrtli p’liticl rmarcs n ɖt eni sć stetmnts wd b left t Rićd n Sdīc. Onli nwn apird t hv tld Nazanīn. Ś wz’nt gwñ t setl fr enʈñ cozi n hart-wormñ. It wz’nt hr job t mc ɖ rest v ɖ cuntri fīl betr abt itslf.

So ẃl ś luvd hr huzbnd t bits, ś cd’nt g alñ wɖ hiz xpreśnz v ʈancs t ɖ guvnmnt. Hǎ mni foṛn secṛtriz hd it tecn t gt hr hom? It hd tecn fîv ẃn it śd hv bn jst ɖ wn. Ś śd hv bn hom six yirz ago. Hr dōtr hd bn tū ẃn ś wz dtend. Nǎ ś wz nirli et. Nwn cd gv hr bac ɖ yirz ɖt hd bn lost.

Bt ɖt wz az mć az Nazanīn wz priperd t let ɖ mīdia si v hr tru fīlñz. Ɖ rest wz fr hr n hr faṃli alon. Ś wz’nt gwñ t imot fr ɖ hel v it. Ś wz’nt a pformñsìl. Ś wz a wmn wɖ hr integṛti n saṇti t mnten. Nazanīn hd spent six yirz pracṭsñ hǎ t compartmnṭlîz hr imośnz n ś wz’nt abt t stop nǎ. So ś dclînd t ansr hǎ ś hd cǒpt in hr darcist aurz. Or ẃt hr tru fīlñz fr hr captrz hd bn.

Instd, ś pleid it stret. Ɖr hd bn tîmz v dsper. Mni tîmz ś hd bn léd t ʈnc hr rlis wz iminnt onli t b let dǎn. So ś hd lrnt nt t trust enwn or enʈñ. It wz onli ẃn ś wz on ɖ plein ǎt v Iran ɖt ś alaud hrslf t b’liv ś wd b riynîtd wɖ hr faṃli.

N no, ś wz nt gwñ t let hrslf hold a gruj. Ś śd nvr hv bn dtend bt ś cd’nt let ɖt dstrô hr eḟts t rībild a faṃlilîf. T injô ɖ litl ʈñz, lîc bruśñ hr dōtr Gabriela’z her. “I hv traid t līv ɖ blac houl in mî hart on ɖ plein,” ś sd.

Az fr Boris Jonsn, huz cerlis wrdz hd md hr sićueśn incmpaṛbli wrs, ś hd nvr gvn him ɖ saṭsfax́n v letñ him si hǎ mć damij h hd dn. Ś hd noun ś wz pǎrlis in prizn so gev litl ʈt t poḷtics. N ẃn ś onli hd 40 minits wɖ Gabriela, ś wontd t spend ɖ tîm on cuḷrñ n rīdñ storiz. Nt gvñ in t hr cntmt fr smwn hu nvr riyli gev hr a secnd ʈt. Nt mni cd śo sć gres undr fîr.

Wɖ ɖt, ɖ presconfṛns endd n Nazanīn, Rićd n Gabriela md ɖer we ǎt ɖ rūm. Aftr livñ ǎt v a sūtces fr ɖ bst part v a wīc, ɖe wr fîṇli gwñ hom tgɖr fr ɖ frst tîm in yirz. T gt t nǒ ć uɖr proprli wns mor.

Mnẃl, bac at ɖ foṛn aferz s’lect cmiti, Filip Bartn, prṃnnt secṛtri at ɖ Foṛn Ofis, wz biyñ qsćnd abt ɖ dscrepnsi btwn hiz tstiṃni n ɖt v a ẃislblowr hu hd sd ɖt ɖ prîm̦inistr hd prîoṛtîzd ɖ ivakeśn v Pén Farɖñ n Hiz Pets fṛm Afgaṇstan ovr Afgan intrpritrz. Nazanīn mt rūḟli hv cncludd ɖt ś wd hv bn betr of biyñ a coc̣pu. Ɖt we ś mt hv còt ɖ Suspect’s atnśn n bn hom yirz ago.

Instroduction to Ñspel

Fṛm Đ Gardịn: Is Priti Patel vicious or stupid? It’s a fine line for Ukrainian refugees

Priti Patel ‘couldn’t quite get her head around the fact that nearly every Tory backbencher had gone soft on refugees’. Photograph: Michael Mayhew/Allstar
Priti Ptél ‘cd’nt qt gt hr hed arnd ɖ fact ɖt nirli evri Tori bacbnćr hd gn soft on refyjīz’. Foṭgraf: Mîcl Mêhy/Olstar

Z Priti Ptél viśs or stypid? It’s a fîn lîn fr Ycreńn refyjīz

(Transcription of an article published in the Guardian on 10 March 2022)

Ɖ homsecṛtri’s mix v incompitns n cruwlti hz cm t ɖ fōr in ɖs wor

John Crace

Jon Crês, Ʈrzde 10 Marć 2022

Y  cn onli imajin ɖ compṛmat ɖt Priti Ptél mst hv on ɖ prîm̦inistr. Az inṭnaśnl-dveḷpmnt secṛtri in T’rīza Me’z guvnmnt, ś hd bn sact fr gwñ rog wɖ hr ǒn foṛn poḷsi. Hr flît bac t ɖ YC fṛm Ceńa hd bn tráct evri bit az closli az ɖoz md bî Ruśn oligarcs tde. Ɖt wd hv bn ɖ end v ɖer c’rir fr most poḷtiśnz. Bt nt Priti Vecnt. Ẃn Boris Jonsn bcem prîm̦inistr, h pṛmotd hr t homsecṛtri.

Ɖen cem ɖ inqîri ɖt faund Ptél gilti v brecñ ɖ miṇstirịl cod fr bŭliyñ staf. Ɖt agn śd hv bn inuf fr instnt dsmisl. Instd Ɖ Suspect ordrd colīgz t pṛtct “Ɖ Pritstr” at ol costs. N so ś svîvd; t bumbl on wɖ hr caṛcṭristic mix v incompitns n viśsnis. No mor so ɖn jrñ ɖ cuṛnt wor in Ycren.

Ẃl most uɖr guvnmnt dpartmnts hv upt ɖer gem ovr ɖ past wīcs, ɖ Hom Ofis hz bn a naśnl imbaṛsmnt. Ẃl uɖr Yṛpiyn cuntriz hv opnd ɖer bordrz t welcm refyjīz, ɖ YC wnt ǎt v its we t mc it olmst imposbl fr eni Ycreńnz t rīć ɖs cuntri: fṛm nt dsclozñ ẃr most v ɖ vīẓapḷceśn sntrz wr sićuetd t mcñ śr ɖoz ɖt wr advtîzd wr clozd. Cy hundṛdz v refyjīz biyñ snt on pôntlis jrniz fṛm Calais t Lille t Paris. N bac.

Nn v ɖs hz gn dǎn wel wɖ MPz on îɖr sîd v ɖ hǎs. On Munde, Vecnt hd manijd t gv ɖ Comnz ɖ roñ inḟmeśn abt ẃć vīẓapḷceśn sntrz wr opn n ẃr ɖe wr – wn heẓtets t se ś laid, az ś’z jenyinli stypid inuf nt t b acrs ɖ fînr dītelz v ẃt hr dpartmnt z p t.

Ɖ folowñ de, ś hd gn awol jrñ an rjnt qsćn abt ɖ Hom Ofis’z mshanḍlñ v ɖ refyjīcrîsis n let a jūńr iṃgreśnministr tec ɖ hit instd. Nt ɖt Cevin Fostr sīmd t mînd. H wnt on Twitr t se ɖt refyjīz cd olwz tec advantij v ɖ sīẓnl-agṛculćṛl-wrcrz scīm. Bcz picñ frūt wd hlp tec ɖer mînd of ɖ wor.

On Ʈrzde, Ptél dd boɖr t cm t ɖ Comnz in prsn t ansr yt anɖr rjnt qsćn on refyjīz. Partli bcz ś nīdd t ri’śur Tori MPz ɖt ś hd at līst sm îdīa ẃt wz gwñ on; partli bcz ɖs tîm ś acć̣li hd smʈñ ny t se.

Ɖo ś dd lc iniṣ́li a bit bwildrd. Ś wz undr ɖ impreśn – az most v s hd bn – ɖt hr sol rǒl wz t win fevr wɖ ɖ Tori rît bî biyñ bīstli t foṛnrz; smʈñ at ẃć ś xelz. Vecnt cd’nt qt gt hr hed arnd ɖ fact ɖt ol v a sudn evri Tori bac-bnćr – wɖ ɖ xpśn v Edẉd Li n Dańl Kawczynski – hd gn soft on refyjīz.

Bt Ptél gaɖrd hrslf n plaud on wɖ ɖ script. T mc ʈñz īzịr, refyjīz wɖ Ycreńn pasports n faṃli in ɖ YC wd nǎ b alaud t aplî fr ɖer vīzaz onlîn. Qt hǎ ɖs wd wrc fr refyjīz huz pasports wr lost or misñ in ɖ ceos v wor, ś dd’nt se. Nr hǎ ppl wɖt deṭroumñ on ɖer fonz wd manij t uplod ɖer vīẓapḷceśnz. Īvn asymñ ɖe cd stl manij t ćarj ɖer fonz.

In eni ces, nn v ɖs cd start untl nxt Tyzde az ɖ Hom Ofis nīdd t enśur ol nesṣri s’kṛtimeźrz wr in ples. Ɖo, gvn ɖt ɖ Ruśnz hd bn planñ ɖ inveźn fr munʈs, y’d hv ʈt ɖe hd ol ɖ spîz ɖe wontd in ples in ɖ YC wɖt trayñ t pas a fy of az Ycreńn refyjīz.

Ɖs wz a start, sd Ivét Cūpr, ɖ śado homsecṛtri. Bt ẃ hd it tecn yt anɖr rjnt qsćn t śem Ptél intu ax́n at ɖ dspaćbox? N ẃ wz ɖr stl no clir hymaṇterịn paʈwe fr refyjīz wɖt imīɉt faṃli in ɖ YC? Fr rīznz bst noun t hrslf, Cūpr wnt alñ wɖ ɖ s’kṛtireṭric. Olmst az f Lebr wz teṛfaid v biyñ sìn t b wìc on iṃgreśn. Īvn ɖo evri uɖr cuntri in Yṛp wz tecñ unliṃtd numbrz v refyjīz wɖt vīzaz. N īvn ɖo ɖ mjoṛti v ppl in ɖ YC r in fevr v ɖs cuntri dwñ ɖ sem. Lebr’z rspons z t b a bit nîsr ɖn ɖ Tōriz, bt nt tù mć.

Vecnt, hvr, wz a modl v inḍgneśn. Contrri t apiṛnsz, ś hd’nt bn dragd t ɖ Comnz. Ś hd bn gagñ t b asct. It’s jst ɖt ś wz a litl śî n dd’nt wont t apir tù pśi. Ptél: ɖ modl v moḍsti. N ɖ Tōriz hd a “wrld-bìtñ” record on refyjīz. Ɖs wn agn. No matr hǎ ofn ś n Boris rpit it, it dz’nt mc it tru. Ɖ YC me scor wel in ɖ naro band v “rīsetld refyjīz”, bt on refyjīz in jenṛl, w’r hoplis. In pṛporśn t popyleśnsîz, w bérli mc ɖ top 20 v ɖ most welcmñ Yṛpiyn cuntriz.

Ɖen cem ɖ momnt ɖt – tmprṛli at līst – sîḷnst ɖ intîr ćembr. Ɖ vīzaz n ɖ byrocṛsi wr acć̣li dwñ ɖ refyjīz a fevr, Ptél cntinyd. Bcz f w hd an opn-bordr poḷsi n let in az mni az wontd t cm, ɖen w’d hv a Windruś sićueśn ẃr ppl cd’nt pruv ɖe hd līv t rmen.

Ɖs wz Vecnt at îɖr hr most viśs or hr most stypid. Bcz it wz’nt ɖ lac v peprwrc ɖt wz ɖ probḷm fr ɖ Windruś jeṇreśn; it wz ɖ hostîl invîrnmnt ɖt sòt t dport ppl hu wr līġli intîtld t b hir – ɖ lac v fl peprwrc wz jst a mīnz t ɖt end. A hostîl-invîrnmnt poḷsi dremt p bî T’rīza Me in 2012 n sleviśli psyd bî Ptél a deced lêtr.

Most MPz wr in a fgivñ mūd, ɖo. Redi t cngrać̣let Ptél on hr bebisteps twdz hymaṇti, rɖr ɖn t casṭget hr fr ɖ ol tù obvịs śortcumñz in hr planz. Ɖr agn, ɖr wz evri ćans ɖt ɖ hom secṛtri wd b bac in ɖ Comnz t xplen anɖr poḷsi dzastr in ɖ cmñ wīcs. Tîm wz on ɖer sîd. F nt on ɖ sîd v ɖoz fliyñ ɖ wor.

Instroduction to Ñspel

Fṛm Đ Gardịn: The new statesmanlike Boris quickly gives way to the old self-centred one at PMQs

‘It’s not for me to comment on individual cases,’ said the Suspect. Er… hello? Why the hell not? Photograph: UK Parliament/Jessica Taylor/AP
‘It’s nt fr m t coment on indivijl cesz,’ sd ɖ Suspect. ’r… hlo? Ẃ ɖ hel nt? Foṭgraf: YC Parḷmnt/Jesica Teilr/AP

Ɖ ny stetsmnlîc Boris qcli gvz we t ɖ old slf-sntrd wn at PMQz

(Transcription of an article published in the Guardian on 2 Marć 2022)

Ɖ Suspect dojd dificlt qsćnz abt oligarcs, ɖen lost hiz tmpr. Nt ol Ruśn muni wz drti muni, h śǎtd

John Crace

Jon Crês, Wnzde 2 Marć 2022

Ɖ  prîm̦inistr’z parḷmntri prîṿt secṛtriz wr ol dect ǎt in blu n yelo. Az wr T’rīza Me n sevṛl SNP MPz. Ɖe cd ol hv cm stret fṛm a Rayner cnvnśn. Elsẃr in ɖ ćembr, MPz setld fr rɖr mor sobr blu n yelo ribnz. Bt ɖ sntimnt wz xacli ɖ sem.

Ɖs wz a Hǎs v Comnz ynîtd in its s’port fr Ycren. Ẃn ɖ Spīcr anǎnst ɖt ɖ Ycreńn ambasdr, Vadim Pristîco, wz in ɖ gaḷri, ɖ hǎs rouz az wn t gv him a pṛloñd n hart-flt standñ oveśn. It wz az muvñ az it wz unpresdntd. Ɖo NHS wrcrz mt pônt ǎt ɖt clapñ smtmz cmz ćīp fṛm poḷtiśnz.

Fr ɖ last wīc or so, Boris Jonsn hz gvn tuf spīćz n gn on trips t ɖ Yṛpiyn mênland t xpres soḷdaṛti. Ol v ẃć hz pleid wel wɖ a hom ōdịns. Ɖ Ruśn inveźn hz nt bn a conflict on ẃć it hz bn dificlt t pic sîdz. Betr stl, ol v hiz dmestic probḷmz sīm t hv mltd awe. Fr ɖ tîm biyñ at līst. Ẃl ppl r dayñ in a cruwl wor, it sīmz olmst tù trivịl t mnśn ɖt ɖ prîm̦inistr cd’nt b boɖrd t folo hiz ǒn Covid rūlz.

Bt at prîm̦inistr’z qsćnz ɖ masc bgan t crac. Ɖ Suspect wz no longr biyñ asct t jst Tōc ɖ Tōc. H wz olso biyñ asct t Wōc ɖ Wōc. N h jst cd’nt d it. Ɖs z’nt a līdr lîcli t folo ɖ Tîwan prezidnt’s xampl v gvñ wn munʈ v hiz saḷri t Ycreńn hymaṇterịn cōzz. Wel, nt unls h cd gt Lord Brǎnlo t cof p agn on hiz bhaf. Dir, dir Devid. Wn mor tîm, old ćap.

Bac cem ɖ blustr n ɖ śiftinis. Ɖ tugñ on hiz Todlrz R S hercut. Ɖ ćîldiś ǎtbrsts v narssistic rej ɖt h c’nt cntrol ẃn ćalinjd. Enʈñ ɖt z nt on hiz trmz canot b toḷretd. Cm ɖ end v PMQz ɖ ny, nt intîrli cnvinsñ, stetsmnlîc Boris wz bginñ t lc vri mć lîc ɖ old slf-sntrd Boris.

Cir Starmr bgan bî riiṭretñ ɖt Lebr wr ynîtd wɖ ɖ guvnmnt agnst Ruśn agreśn. Jst so ɖr wz no rūm fr cnfyźn. H dd’nt wont Jonsn t gt ɖ roñ end v ɖ stic. Ẃt h riyli wontd t nǒ wz ẃ ɖ YC wz lagñ so far bhnd ɖ YS n ɖ YY in impozñ sañśnz on Ruśn oligarcs. Hǎ abt Roman Abramović? H wz on a Hom Ofis list az a prsn v inṭrest n z nǎ in ɖ proses v trayñ t sel Ćlsi. Ẃ nt g aftr him bfr h tc ɖ muni n ran?

“It’s nt fr m t coment on indivijl cesz,” sd ɖ Suspect. ’r … hlo? Ẃ ɖ hel nt? Śrli it’s prisîsli ẃt a prîm̦inistr z ɖr fr, t tōc truʈ t muni. F h c’nt, ɖen hu cn? Ɖr agn, Jonsn z on record ɖt h fîndz it ‘inixplicbl’ ɖt oligarcs r’nt dwñ mor – enʈñ – t cndem ɖ wor. Ɖ rest v s mirli fînd ɖer sîḷns t b intîrli on brand.

Ɖ Lebr līdr muvd on. Ẃt abt ɖ tū Wsminstr flats v Igor Śūvolov, Vladīmir Pūćin’z formr depyti prîm̦inistr? W hd onli got t fînd ǎt h ǒnd ɖ proṗti ʈru a pôznd Ruśn disidnt. Ẃć bròt him on t hiz nxt qsćn. Ẃ wz ɖ guvnmnt cicñ its hìlz ovr ɖ ic̣nomic-crîmz bil? It sīmd t b gwñ ǎt v its we t mc it īzịr fr drti muni t b tecn ǎt v ɖ cuntri bî gvñ evri clepṭcrat an 18-munʈ hedstart.

Jonsn hd no ansr uɖr ɖn t tōc abt cutñ of ɖ Swift pemntșistm n banñ Eroflot. Ẃć wz bsd ɖ pônt az nwn hd eni probḷm wɖ him hvñ dn ɖt. “W’r līdñ Yṛp,” h mumbld. Xpt w’r nt. At a tîm ẃn w’r lcñ fr hiroz – n hu betr fits ɖ bil ɖn Volodimir Zelensci? – ɖ YC guvnmnt lcs az f it z runñ scerd.

F ɖ Suspect wontd t pruv mni ppl’z sspiśnz ɖt ɖ Tori parti z in hóc t Ruśn muni, h cd’nt hv md a betr job v it. At ɖ vri līst h md it lc az f h wz’nt ɖt boɖrd abt Lundn’z steṭs az ɖ wrld’z lōndṛmat. Or abt ɖ xtnt v Ruśn inflụns in Britiś poḷtics.

Ɖs wz a pônt Lebr’z Bil Esṭsn md ẃn h invîtd Jonsn t dnet ɖ £2m ɖ Tōriz hv rsivd fṛm Lubov Ćernūcin, ɖ wîf v Ruśa’z formr depyti ministr v fînans, t ɖ Ycreńn wor eḟt. Jst t clir ɖ er n t śo ɖt ɖ Cnsrṿtivz hd nʈñ t hîd. Nǎ Boris lost hiz tmpr. Nt ol Ruśn muni wz drti muni, h śǎtd. Qt rît. Ɖo mbi Ćernūcin’z lincs t ɖ Ruśn stet mt hv rezd sm îbrǎz. Ɖen mbi ɖ Suspect b’livz ɖt evri oligarc md ɖer muni ʈru hard wrc or pleyñ ɖ loṭri.

Wɖ ol Tōriz, apart fṛm Bob Sīli, stirñ clir v dificlt qsćnz abt oligarcs n sañśnz, ɖ seśn driftd t a cloz wɖ Jon Pénroz wunḍrñ ẃt hd hapnd t Brexit. Rmembr ɖt? Jonsn wevd hiz armz n sd w’d b siyñ sm beṇfits jst az sn az Jecb Rīz-Mog hd got rnd t îdnṭfayñ eni. Jst d’nt hold yr breʈ. Mnẃl in ɖ gaḷri, Pristîco wz añśsli ćecñ hiz fon. Woćñ Britiś poḷtiśnz tred wrdz hd a liṃtd apil ẃn hiz cuntriṃn wr fîtñ fr Ycren strīt bî strīt.

Instroduction to Ñspel